Because We Lived
by Sarahdbaugh
Summary: The Story of James Potter and Lily Evans love. Simple as that.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**Lily's POV**

Maybe it was because I had been cooped up in our tiny house in Godric's Hallow, or maybe it was the gloomy weather that caused it. Whichever the reason, I found myself thinking back on the decisions I'd made years ago.

My mother had been a big fan of reminding me that life's decisions would just get harder as I got older. But, I didn't believe her. My priorities had changed a lot in the past few years. First, when I had married James. At that point in my life, I couldn't imagine anything more important to me than him. I would have done anything to protect him. He was my love, the other half of me. It wasn't hard to make the decision to marry him.

I looked down at the bundle in my arms, my little raven-haired son. He had changed everything when he was born. Now I had two reasons to live. Harry had changed my life so completely. I didn't know my heart could love so much. I had thought I was complete with just James. We had been happy just us two. But when Harry was born, we both suddenly realized there had been something missing.

Life had gotten much harder when we heard the prophecy. Our little son, the small little boy in my arms had such a hard life ahead of him. I knew that Voldemort wouldn't stop and that was why we were hiding, cooped up in this house, waiting for Dumbledore to come up with a way to defeat him.

That's where James was now, with Dumbledore. I wouldn't feel safe again until he was home. I stood and carried Harry up the stairs to his bedroom. I laid him in his crib and he automatically reached for the small broomstick. Sirius had given it to him on his first birthday. Harry loved to zoom around on it at night, chasing the cat around the house.

I watched Harry sleep for a while. He looked so peaceful; his unblemished face was serene in sleep. He didn't have a care in the world. He didn't know the turmoil that brewed outside his safe haven. I sighed and walked from his room back downstairs. I walked quietly to the front window; it was dark and raining outside. Lightning flashed across the night sky, illuminating the surrounding houses.

Yes, Harry had changed my life completely. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him.

A silver stag galloped into the front room and I smiled.

"I'm home love." James's voice filled the room and quite suddenly my other raven-haired love walked in the front door.

I ran to him and threw my arms around him. "I've missed you!" I sobbed into his shoulder. I couldn't help it. I had been worried sick.

He pulled my closer yet, whispering into my hair. "You won't have to worry about me anymore. I've been told by Dumbledore to stay here. He says it isn't safe for me to leave anymore."

I pulled back and gazed at him. His voice was light, but I knew him better than that. He wouldn't do well cooped up in this house anymore than I could. James Potter wasn't a coward, nor was he the type of person to hide. He wanted to be out there hunting down Voldemort.

"I'm sorry dear." I answered softly.

He grinned sadly down at me. "You know me so well."

I smiled back. I did know him. He had been my best friend at Hogwarts long before we had fallen in love.

James pulled me close to him again. "Remind me why it took so long to realize how perfect you are for me?"


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Lily?" I couldn't help the little spasm that afflicted my heart as I heard that familiar voice call my name from across the busy train platform. I turned to see a flash of messy ink black hair before a hard body crashed into mine, sending us both crashing to the ground.

"James!" I screeched, as his hand, trying to keep his body from completely crushing me, pulled my hair from my head. He rolled off me and sat on the ground next to me, pulling long red hairs from his watch band.

"Sorry 'bout that. Must've tripped over something." He mumbled, with a slight grin on his face. A hand was suddenly thrust into my face and I looked up to see the calm face of Remus Lupin. I grabbed it and he pulled me into a quick hug.

"Hey pretty lady. How was your summer holiday?" Before I could answer, Sirius Black came running up.

"Saw you take out Lils here, Prongs. Couldn't you wait till we at least got on the train to start groping her?"

I looked over to see James's face flush bright red. I could feel the heat of mine own, and knew I looked about as bright as a tomato. Not wanting to encourage Sirius, I brushed myself off and grabbed my trunk.

"Let's go get on the train." I said calmly.

"Hmmm… seems Lils here is anxious to get that started Prongs. Don't mind us." He grabbed the back of Remus's robes and at the same time pushed James forwards towards me. James straightened a bit, and glared at Sirius. I felt my face flush again. It wouldn't have been so bad, I was used to Sirius's dirty comments and Remus's knowing looks, but things had changed over the summer holiday. I had been extremely happy to just be friends with the Maruaders, be the only girl in their little group. But not so much anymore. And I really only had myself to blame for this.

James had come over to visit earlier in the holidays, just a few weeks after classes had ended. My mother and father were ecstatic to meet some of my friends from school; I had never brought any home before knowing how Petunia would react. She had moved in with her fat lump of a husband while I was in my 6th year. I hadn't even been invited to the lavish wedding. I had invited all of the Mauraders; but Remus was reluctant as the trip would be over a full moon. Peter and Sirius stayed with him and so in the end it was just James.

During the two weeks James stayed with us, I showed him how I was raised. James was pureblood and had very little experience with muggles, and even though he was one of the smartest in our year, he hadn't learned much in muggle studies. I hadn't noticed a change in our interactions; we were just friends as always. A few moments after James left, my father pulled me into the living room with a grin on his face. He asked me if James and I were an item. I was blown away, I had never thought of him in that way. James was just a friend. Yes, I was probably closer to him than any of the other guys, but that was normal. A person could have four best friends and be closer to one than any of the others.

But my father's words stuck in my head for the rest of the holiday. I had honestly never thought of James as anything other than a friend, but what if? What if we became more than friends? Could that work? The bigger question was did I want it to work? I didn't know. So I tried to push it out of my head. It was pointless to think about it. James and I had become friends first year. As second year started and James became caught up with Peter, Remus and Siruis, I became more of an acquaintance. It wasn't until after I found out about Remus's "furry little problem" third year that we all became best friends, even if I wasn't sure how the other three figured into it.

It wasn't until I thought back at how James treated me over the two weeks he visited that I began to think that maybe he could possibly like me. James had insisted on paying for anything and everything when we went out around the town. He always held my door for me and complemented me on my outfit or hair or whatever. But could that just be James being my friend? I didn't know. But I was determined to find out.

I climbed onto the train and tried unsuccessfully to drag my trunk with me. It seemed to have caught on something.

"Let me help you, Lils." James's confident voice called from behind me. He picked up the trunk effortlessly and the muscles on his arms strained with the weight of it. I forced myself to look away from the bulging biceps.

"Thanks," I tried to sound like my normal, silly self. "Where would I be without my big strong friends to help me?"

"Lost," James teased. "You need to find yourself a big burly boyfriend, Lils. Remind me why you are single again?" He winked at me.

I smirked. "No one's asked." I answered simply, watching his face for any change.

"Yeah, because you hang out with us so much. Must think you're shacking up with one of us." Sirius answered from behind James. James used his free hand to smack Sirius on the shoulder.

"Let's find a free space. " I changed the subject quickly.

"No one thinks she is shaking up with you, Sirius."James pointed out as we walked down the aisle towards an empty compartment. "Everyone knows you and Kim are together."

Sirius just smiled. He had been dating Kim for the past year. I wasn't sure how she put up with him. He was always flirting with other girls and pulling pranks. I wondered if he even had time to spend with her. I didn't often see them together, but we all knew once they officially started dating that Sirius had fallen hard for the girl. He had never had a "girlfriend" before. He had preferred to keep his options open, as he said.

"Speaking of Kim, I'm going to go find her. Get in some snogging." He winked at us and wandered down the train. James rolled his eyes and shoved the door to the open compartment wide so he could fit in. He placed our trunks on the rack above our heads and sat down. Remus and Peter entered a moment later chatting about quidditch.

"Don't you two have head duties?" Remus asked quietly.

"Oh no!" I screamed, standing up quickly.

"Calm down Lils." James said, placing his hand on my neck. "Wow your tense. I'll give you a neck rub later. But for now, let's go find Professor McGonagall."

A half hour later, after James and I had patrolled the train to check on everyone, we made our way back to Peter and Remus.

"Sit down on the floor. Let me rub your neck." James said as we entered the compartment. I sat on the floor and James settled himself behind me on the seat. His large hands began to work immediately on my tense neck. The tension immediately started to dissipate.

"So, Head boy and girl." Remus began, looking at me with a smirk on his face. "You get your list of duties yet?"

"Nope," James answered. "McGonagall just asked us to walk around and make sure everyone was settled. The Prefects are patrolling. She said she would give us our list when we got to Hogwarts. But she did mention our dorms. Did you know the head girl and boy get their own?" James hands continued their work on my neck as he spoke. I could feel the knots slowly unwind and smooth out.

Remus raised one eyebrow. "You two are going to be sharing a dorm?"

"We have our own rooms, of course." I interjected quickly.

"And you are all welcome to join us." James added. "I might have to tone down the troublemaking, being as I am head boy, but we can all still have a bit of fun every now and then."

I turned and scowled at James, I didn't want to get in trouble this year. I had served my fair share of detentions in the past because of the marauders and their idea of "fun".

He smirked at me and my scowl turned into an intense glare. His hands stopped rubbing my shoulders and one poked me in the ribs. I slapped away his hand.

"Come on now, Lils. You know you have had some good times with us." He grinned.

I rolled my eyes and turned back around. His hands went back to my shoulders. "I do not call being stuck inside a suit of armor as it pranced around the great hall in women's underwear a good time." I said evenly, reminding him of the last time I was involuntarily involved in one of their pranks.

Remus, Peter and James all laughed heartily. "But you did have fun when we enchanted McGonagall's hat to meow at her every time she touched it." James stated confidently.

"Yes, everyone thought that was funny until it sprouted claws and attacked Lucius Malfoy." I added, standing up from the floor and sitting next to James. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and grinned at me.

"Then it was bloody brilliant!" He winked at me and sat back against the seat closing his eyes, his arm still resting on my shoulders. Remus raised one eyebrow at me and I stuck my tongue out at him. I wasn't ready to answer his questions, and I knew they would be coming towards me just as soon as James was no longer in earshot.

The rest of the train ride was uneventful, the scenery countryside passed and all three of the guys napped as we made our way to Hogwarts. I gazed at the green blur as we passed. It was going to be an interesting last year at Hogwarts, I was sure of it. I just couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.

* * *

_Well, HELLO! I've been gone for a bit. I'm super excited to see the reaction to this new story!! I've got quite a bit of it written, so I'm going to start posting a new chapter every week. I'll try to keep it on Sundays or Mondays. I hope to have finished writing it by Thanksgiving! We will see. Anyway, Let me know what you think in the form of Reviews! :-) And Enjoy!_

_-Sarahdbaugh  
_


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"…and this is your home for the school year." Professor Dumbledore said with a flourish as he opened the door wide. James and I walked into the large common room quietly, our gazes never resting anywhere for long. The room was huge and comfortable looking. There was a large fireplace surrounded by a large burgundy sofa and a matching armchair. There were two large bookcases on either side of the fireplace. I walked over to one and saw the familiar titles of my favorite muggle books. I plucked Pride and Prejudice off the shelf and turned to question Dumbledore.

"Ah yes, you'll notice the room does change for the permanent occupants. The other shelf will have Mr. Potter's favorites."

James wandered over to the other bookcase and pulled a thick volume from its shelves.

"Mostly Quidditch books, I'd guess." Dumbledore said with a grin.

"The door on the left is for Ms. Evan's bedchambers and the one on the right wall is Mr. Potter's. The door on the back wall is to your shared bathroom."

I noticed the elegant script on my door.

"I'll let you settle in. House elves delivered and unpacked your belongings earlier. Sweet dreams." Dumbledore said and then turned and walked from the room.

James turned and walked to my door.

"Where are you going?" I asked loudly, walking quickly to my door and following him in.

"Wow." He replied.

And wow as right. The large bedroom met my tastes perfectly. A large bed dominated the space. The drapes were dark red and matched the drapery on the windows. There was an ornate desk and vanity with a mirror. But the best part was the large French doors that opened onto a private balcony. I raced towards the door and threw it open. I could see out over the lake as a large tentacle broke the still water. I forgot James was even there until I heard the door shut behind him. I turned my gaze back to the view, I could get used to this. I sat down and dangled my legs of the balcony. The iron bars that guarded the edge had enough space for my legs to fit in between and I rested my head on them.

Here I was back at Hogwarts. This is what I'd been looking forward to all summer. Not only that, but I'd see James everyday. Perhaps we would get closer…maybe…

"No!" I spoke softly to myself. "Don't get your hopes up."

"What are you hoping for?" James's voice floated to me from the darkness.

I felt a blush color my cheeks and was instantly glad it was dark out here.

"James?"

"No, Its Peeves. I took over James's body to wreak havoc on Hogwarts!" He answered sarcastically.

When I didn't answer he continued on. "Do you usually talk to yourself? What are you not allowed to hope for?"

I could see the outline of his body leaning over the fence around his own balcony.

"I was… uh… hoping… that Slughorn would show us a new potion in class tomorrow." I spluttered, trying to come up with something feasible for me to be hoping for. I could feel his gaze on me, and I knew I hadn't fooled him at all. "I'm going to bed." I muttered and turned back and walked into my room.

"Sweet dreams." His voice floated in through the open doors along with the last vestiges of the summer air.

* * *

The weeks passed quickly and before I knew it, September had come and gone. The weather was getting gradually colder and Quidditch was in full swing. I walked into the common room in the head's dorm one afternoon to the frantic pacing of James Potter.

"Lily!" He exclaimed, startled by my appearance. He looked worried and jittery, as if he had something huge on his mind. "No, I can't." He muttered to himself, and then went back to pacing in front of the fireplace.

"James?" I asked quietly, but he either hadn't heard me or had ignored me. I wondered if maybe he had gone crazy; he was certainly acting strange. "JAMES!" I said louder.

He stopped pacing and stared at me. His gaze was calculating, almost as if he was sizing me up for something. I didn't like his scrutiny and shifted a bit under his gaze.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just…" He paused and scrutinized me again. He must have seen something there because his face relaxed a bit, yet he still had a bit of a mad look to his face. He slumped down into the armchair.

"I wonder if you can handle it."

My temper flared. It was rare that I lost control of it, and James was often the catalyst. I glared at him.

"What. Can't. I. Handle?" I said slowly, enunciating each word carefully.

He grinned slightly at my reaction, he had obviously hoped for my temper to get the better of me. "Well it breaks about a million school rules, not to mention ministry laws, but it is important." He began carefully. He knew I took my Head Girl duties seriously, but he also knew I didn't like to back down from a challenge.

"Does this have anything to do with Remus and Tuesday nights expected lunar event?" I asked dubiously. I wasn't dumb, I knew about their monthly trek to the whomping willow. I had found out years ago, although I wasn't certain what the other boys' parts were in the whole thing. I figured James was worried about it; they all got tense around this time.

James started pacing again, and I wondered if he was bipolar. His emotions were all over the place today. He was going back and for the between his normal teasing self and this worried, pacing person.

"James! Tell me what is going on! Is Remus okay?" I demanded sharply.

"Yes, for now." He answered vaguely.

"FOR NOW?!?" I asked shrilly. He was honestly starting to scare me.

He sighed and plopped down into the chair again.

"Sit." He demanded quietly, pointing towards the sofa. I sat down on the edge and looked at him expectantly.

"It does have to do with Moony." He said slowly. 'You see Padfoot and Wormtail got themselves detention for six nights in a row, starting tonight and ending Tuesday night. Some sort of prank on Snape."

I glared at him. James knew I didn't like their treatment of Severus. I had been very close to Severus; he was the one to tell me that I was a witch. He had long ceased talking as he hung out with the dark Slytherins and me with the marauders.

"I know, I know." He said with both hands raised towards me. "I didn't know about it until now. But that leaves only me to watch out for Moony and I'd rather not spend the evening alone with him."

He looked at me hopefully ad I realized what he was slowly getting at.

"Wait, Wait!" I said loudly. "You want ME to help you with Moony while he is transformed?!?" My voice rose in volume and pitch and James jumped from his seat. He sat down next to me on the sofa and grabbed my hands firmly. He had an extremely determined look on his face.

"You know we help him. Have you ever wondered how?" His face was inches from mine and his warm breath ghosted across my face. It smelled of chocolate. My tongue stuck in my mouth and my throat went dry, so I just nodded.

He let go of my hands and stood up, backing into the center of the room.

"Don't go mental okay?" He warned and suddenly James was gone and in his place was a magnificent Stag.

I gasped and my body froze on the sofa. The stag looked directly into my eyes and I realized they were the exact same shade and shape as James's. He slowly moved forward and rested his head on my knee.

"J-James?" I stuttered.

The Stag's head nodded slightly and then he backed up and just as sudden as he had appeared, he was gone and James stood in its place.

"You're an animagus." I breathed.

James nodded.

"And the others are as well?"

He nodded again.

"That is how you can be with him and he doesn't hurt you."

He nodded.

"How did you… when…does anyone know?" All my jumbled thoughts flew out of my mouth before I could make sense of them. James sat down next to me again.

"We learned on our own in third year. Dumbledore knows and Snape followed us last year and almost got himself killed. But otherwise it's us and now you."

He looked at me expectantly and I suddenly realized what James was getting at.

"WAIT!" I yelled, standing up and glaring down at James. "You want me to help you? You want me to become an animagus? In just a few days?" I started pacing up and down the small room. "It would mean breaking a million rules and laws. And I'm Head Girl. I can't do that!" I ranted as I paced. James stood and grasped my upper arms, effectively stilling my movements.

"I need your help. I can't safely go alone, I can't ask anyone else and I can't leave Moony alone. Plus, I know you can do this. You can!" His gaze burned into mine, and I promptly forgot my reasons to say no.

"Do you really think I can change into an animagus?" I asked softly.

"I know you can." James whispered; his face just centimeters from mine. If I raised my chin just a bit my lips would be on his. I didn't move; I waited for him to make the first move. I wanted him to make the first move.

"PRONGS!" Sirius's voice called as he came flying through the door. I cursed the day James gave him the password. "Oh great! Lils is here! Did you ask her yet?" He skidded to a stop in front of the fireplace. James winked down at me and moved to sit casually on the sofa.

"Yup." He replied.

I just stood there for a bit before I realized I looked like a git. Without saying anything, I walked into my room and out onto the balcony. I sat down on the edge and rested my forehead against the cool metal bars.

What the bloody hell was going on today? How could I agree to this? It was dangerous and stupid. I could get seriously injured or worse; I could get caught. I didn't think the ministry could give out pardons because I was helping a friend. But, what else could I do? I couldn't let James go alone. If he got hurt it would weigh heavy on my heart. And I couldn't ask him not to go. He valued his friendships much more than any rules or laws. And Remus was my friend as well. He shouldn't be left alone at a time when he needed someone.

My mind flashed back to James transforming into a stag and the nickname Prongs finally made sense. It was quite a feat of magic. I couldn't help but find him more attractive because of it. Another scene flashed in my head; James standing directly in front of me, holding my arms, reassuring me, telling me I too could be an animagus. His face so close to mine. I tried to shake the image from my mind. It wouldn't help my decision to be thinking of James and the reason he winked at me.

I sighed and shifted slightly. No matter how beautiful the scenery, I could only sit on the uncomfortable stone balcony for so long.

A slight noise alerted me to someone's presence and I turned to see Remus enter my room and walk quickly to my balcony.

"Hi." I said softly as he sat down next to me. I wondered if he knew what James had asked me to do.

We sat in comfortable silence for a while before he started talking.

"You don't have to help James. He doesn't even have to be there. I can handle it myself. James just knows you." Remus peered at me for a moment. "He knows how to get you to say yes."

I glanced sharply at him. That wasn't fair. I could say no to James if I wanted to, couldn't I? It didn't honestly matter. James would be there with Remus no matter what he said and I couldn't let him go alone. It was for both of their safety.

"I'm going to try Remus." I said softly. "You know James. He'll be there no matter what. I can't leave him alone."

Remus glared out at the lake, shaking his head slightly. I took his silence for acceptance. We sat in silence for a bit longer.

"There's something else bothering you." He said quietly and I peered at him. He was studying my face.

Crap. There wasn't much that I could hide from him.

"What is he doing now?" Remus asked quietly.

I shook my head. "It's nothing."

"Oh I doubt that. What has he done now?" He prodded.

I sighed. I might as well tell Remus. I had a few female friends, Alice and Marlena, but I couldn't tell them about this. They didn't know about Remus, and it was all tied together.

"I think," I started slowly, "I think he might have almost kissed me just before. That was until Sirius came in. He was right there, and we were just looking at each other. When Sirius came in he winked at me." I stared down at my hands. It sounded pathetic to me.

Remus chuckled slightly and I glared up at him. "What! Do you think I'm just a little girl with a crush? Just forget it. Forget I said anything." I stood up and tried to walk back into my room but Remus got to the door first.

"No, I don't think you are a little girl with a crush. I think it's about time you two realized that you are not just friends anymore."

I looked at him a moment. "You will not say anything to anyone about this." I warned.

Remus rolled his eyes, but placed a hand against his chest. "Promise."

I nodded.

"On another topic of business, you should find a time to practice with James."

I glared at him. How dare he say something like that to me?

His eyes widened at my anger and then realization washed over his face. "Practice becoming an animagus. James is the best at it. He taught Sirius and Peter."

I blushed at my assumption and tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. "What are the other two?" I was legitimately curious to see what Padfoot and Wormtail meant.

"Sirus is a big, black dog and Peter is a rat." He said calmly.

"Why would Peter want to be a rat?" I asked, confused. Peter was odd, but even he wouldn't have picked to become a rat.

Remus sighed, "You don't get to pick what you become. It's a direct reflection of your soul, who you are on the inside."

I thought about that for moment. I wondered what I would become; hoping it would be better than a rat.

* * *

_A/N hellooooo! So this is probably one of the longest chapters I've ever posted! I do hope you enjoyed it! :-) One week till thanksgiving break and the expected time to write!! Oh and that little movie that comes out this week... anyone else going to the midnight showing of New Moon?? yeah yeah, I'm that kind of nerd. ;-) anyway... review me! I was a bit saddened that I didn't get many review this last week... no reviews makes Sarah a sad girl... _

_-Sarah  
_


	4. Chapter e

**Chapter 3**

"You're going to the match tonight, right?" Alice asked as she slid in next to me. I had been re-checking my essay for Potions as I waited for History of Magic to start.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I hadn't thought about it."

"Too worried about your potions essay?" Marlene asked as she slid in on my other side. "OR did you have to check it in here because you were too distracted in your dorm?"

I watched as her eyes slid to the side of the room where James and the Marauders usually sat.

"I'd be distracted by that." Alice sighed.

"Alice!" I admonished quietly. "You have a boyfriend."

"Yes, and I love Frank, but James is just so nice on the eyes."

I rolled my eyes as my two friends eyed me waiting for the denial. The problem was it was true. I couldn't sit in the same room with James without having a small panic attack. I had eaten breakfast early and came to this classroom to hopefully check over my work. I hadn't gotten far before my mind wandered to James and his chocolate scented breath.

Professor Bins started his lecture and game me a reason to avoid the questions. I shrugged and tucked my essay into my bad and pulled out some parchment and a quill to take notes.

As Professor Bins droned on about the 52nd Goblin Rebellion I found myself day dreaming. A sudden flutter of white caught my eye and I focused on a small white crane fluttering on my notes. It appeared to be made of paper. I looked over to Alice who giggled and then pointed behind Marlene. I turned to see a grinning James. He mouthed "Open it."

I looked down at the small paper bird; it was a surprising bit of magic. I lifted it off the desk and unfolded it.

Lils,

Meet me at the 7th floor corridor after the Quidditch match. You are going to watch, right?

Prongs

I could feel Alice and Marlene glancing over my shoulder to read the note.

"Guess you're going to the match!" Marlene whispered, raising one eyebrow.

I stuck my tongue out at her and peered over her shoulder to see James watching me. I nodded slightly and a huge grin broke out over his face.

"Sorry ladies of Hogwarts, James Potter is now taken." Alice muttered quietly in my ear. I just smiled and found myself wishing the day would go faster.

"Lils!" Remus called as I wandered down the steps of the stands. I knew he'd be here watching James and Sirius, I just couldn't remember where he usually sat. "Didn't think you were coming." He said as I sat down next to him.

"James asked me to. I'm meeting him after." I answered a small smirk on my face.

He smiled at me. "Well have fun."

It had been a while since I'd seen James and Sirius play; they had obviously gotten better over the summer holiday. James had scored all the points for Gryffindor with an easy smile on his face. It didn't seem to take any effort. Sirius was having a blast, hitting bludgers at any Slytherin that got in the way. He was having too much fun, being allowed to hurt them without punishment. He looked positively gleeful.

The game took an hour before the Gryffindor seeker caught the snitch, ensuring the win. Remus and I walked slowly to the castle. It was then that I realized we were missing someone.

"Where's Peter?" I asked as we walked into the entrance of the castle.

Remus shrugged, looking unconcerned. "Not sure."

"Isn't he usually with at least one of you?" I wondered.

"Yeah, but it's Peter. He probably got lost on the way to the pitch."

I giggled a bit; it seemed like something Peter would do.

We walked for a bit in silence.

"Where are you meeting James tonight?" Remus asked curiously as we walked up the stairs towards the Gryffindor common room.

"Umm… the 7th floor corridor." I answered unsure. It would be like James to pull a prank on me tonight. I hadn't thought of that until Remus got curious. My stomach fluttered uneasily.

"Oh wow." Remus froze mid-step with wide eyes. My stomach lurched and I slammed into the suddenly still Remus.

"What?!? What?!?!" I asked frantically.

"Oh, it's just that James found the room he is taking you to. I'm the only person he told about it." Remus looked at me with a soft look I hadn't seen before. "He must really trust you. He hasn't even told Sirius about it. I assume it's because Sirius would use it as a make-out room."

"Oh." I replied brilliantly. I couldn't think of anything better to say.

Remus smiled at me. "Don't freak out about it. Here, I'll walk with you for a bit." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me off towards the 7th floor. We fell into what had become a normal silence as we walked. I couldn't shake the feeling that something of epic proportions was going to happen.

"Okay. Well go on then." Remus pointed down the empty hallway. He had a slight grin on his face. "Trust me. You'll have a good time. If not, I'll take care of James for you." He winked and turned to walk back the way we had come. I swear I heard something that sounded like a snort. I turned to look but the corridor was empty and dimly lit. James hadn't arrived yet. I tried to calm myself, but my heart was beating a mile a minute. I walked down the hall and noticed that there wasn't a single door, or much of anything for that matter.

"Lily." I heard someone whisper my name in my ear. I whirled around quickly to see who it was. But there was no one there, just the faint smell of mint.

"Are you hearing things, Lily?" It whispered. I spun again, this time with my hands outstretched. My hand hit something I couldn't see.

"Ahh!" I screamed.

"Ow! Lils!" A familiar voice complained at the same time.

I gaped as James appeared in front of me. He held a silvery cloak in his hand.

"What is that?" I asked incredulously.

"That would be my father's invisibility cloak." He replied, still rubbing his head.

"It's your own fault," I teased. "I didn't know you were there."

James just rolled his eyes. I noticed his hair was damp and he had changed out of his uniform into jeans and a t-shirt.

"Wait." I peered at him again. "How did you get up here so fast and still had time to shower?"

He grinned at me. "I know all the secret passages in this place."

"How?"

"Can't tell you all my secrets in one night, Lils." He winked and then proceeded to pace up and down the hall three times. Suddenly, a door appeared on the empty wall.

"What is that?" I asked, surprised.

"That would be a door Lils. I'd thought you would know what one of those looks like." He teased.

I glowered at him. He just laughed.

"Come on. Before someone shows up!" He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the room.

"What is this place?" I asked again as I stumbled into the room. It was huge with a large space in the middle. There was a large sofa and a huge ornate fireplace near the back wall.

"This," James motioned around himself, "is the room of requirement."

I gasped slightly. I'd heard of this room before, but it was just a myth. No one actually had found it before, no one that I'd heard of anyway.

"How did you find it?" I asked breathlessly.

James shrugged and walked to the sofa. I followed him and we sat as the fireplace automatically lit.

"I needed it and it appeared. My dad had told me about it once, so I knew what I had found. I use it a lot to get away from everyone. Popularity isn't exactly a piece of cake all the time." He shrugged again. It was silent for a while. And I wondered what James wasn't telling me. I wasn't going to pry. I was going to let him share what he wanted.

"Alright!" James said suddenly cheery again. "Let's get started."

He stood and walked to the center of the room, and pulled out his wand. I got up slowly and pulled out my own wand as I walked towards him.

"So this is pretty complicated stuff. We're going to start a bit smaller. You can do silent spells, correct?"

I moved my wand slightly and James was completely drenched in water. He glared at me and I moved my wand again and he was dry once more. I smiled at him.

"Alright. Anyway, thanks for that. Moving on. Can you do any wandless magic?" James asked as he threw his wand to the floor.

I gaped at him. Wandless magic was incredibly difficult. There were only a few who could even perform the simplest spells wandlessly.

He grinned, but his face suddenly took a very serious and concentrated expression. I felt my wand wiggle slightly in my hand. I stared at James as his eyebrows pulled closer together. Suddenly, my wand jumped from my hand. James caught it easily and grinned at me triumphantly.

"That's the only one I can do, besides becoming an animagus."

I just stared at him. I was instantly aware that he was a very powerful wizard. I was also suddenly aware that I was insanely attracted to his power. "Wow." I finally muttered.

"You try." He nodded towards me. "I'll just keep this so you aren't tempted." He picked up his own wand and then tucked mine into his back pocket. He looked at me expectantly. I realized he wanted me to try to disarm him. I glared at him.

"What am I supposed to do? Care to explain the theory behind this?"

He grinned, "Sorry. But there isn't much to it. Just concentrate. Visualize my wand flying out of my hand and into yours."

I took a deep breath and repeated the spell in my head.

_Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus_

"Come on Lily." James encouraged.

I gritted my teeth and continued chanting.

_Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus_

"Keep trying!" He called.

I held my breath and pushed harder.

_Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus…Expelliarmus_

"Hey! It wiggled!" James exclaimed as I felt my knees give out.

"Lils? You alright?" James asked as he lunged forward towards me.

"I'm fine, just forgot to breathe." I brushed his hand away.

"Are you sure? We can take a break. You actually got my wand to move. It took weeks for Sirius to do that!"

"Really? Can I rub that in his face next time I see him?" I asked as I stood to try again.

"Sure you don't want to wait a bit more?" James asked sweetly.

"I'm fine! Get up. Let's go!" I commanded. I wanted to do this now. It was a challenge, something Hogwarts hadn't given me in a while.

I tried again and again but couldn't produce more than a wiggle from the wand.

"Gah!" I yelled in anger and frustration. I was beyond annoyed at myself.

"Calm down Lils." James soothed, rubbing his hand across my shoulders. "It's hard to do."

"You can do it." I argued, to wanting to excuse myself.

"Yes, but I've been doing it for years." He smiled lightly at me.

"You were years younger than I am now! I can do this!" I growled, now extremely agitated that James had accomplished this feat years ago.

I fixed my gaze on James and clenched my jaw. _Expelliarmus. _James's wand jumped high from his hand and I caught it smugly.

"What's the next step?" I asked calmly.

James stared at me with his mouth gaping open and his eyes wide. After a moment he ran forward and hugged me tightly, spinning me around. My face was dangerously close to his mop of jet black hair and I could smell mint, probably the scent of his shampoo.

"You did it!" He exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." I answered carefully. "What is the next step?"

"Tomorrow." James answered as he placed me back on my feet. "That is enough for one night. Aren't you exhausted?" He looked down at me quizzically.

I shrugged but I could feel the fatigue taking over my body. I was extremely tired. "Let me see you do it again." I said as I followed him to the sofa. I wanted to watch carefully this time. I wanted to see if I could pick up something to help my own transformation.

James turned to look at me with an intense, questioning gaze.

"You're obsessed with this now. You won't stop until you can do it." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Please James?" I asked softly.

He stopped laughing and looked at me strangely. It was a combination of annoyance and surprise and I wondered what on earth he was thinking.

"Fine, but that's all for tonight. We'll start again tomorrow."

With that James disappeared and Prongs stood in his place. He ran around the room a bit, nudged me with his head and then turned back into James. A thought occurred to me as James wandered back over to the sofa.

"Can you understand me when you're the stag?" I asked.

He patted the sofa next to him and I walked over and curled up on it.

"Sort of. I can't really hear English, but I can read your expression, your movement and even your smell. It's strange." He answered, face looking a bit pink.

I ignored his embarrassment. "Can you communicate with Sirius and Peter?"

He shrugged. "It's the same with them."

"What would happen, if say I turned into a dog? Could I talk to Sirius?" I wondered aloud.

James looked at me strangely. "I doubt you become a dog." He replied slowly.

I nodded and stared into the fireplace, deep in thought. I tried to fight the yawn that overtook me. I hoped my animagus would be regal, like James.

* * *

_A/N Hey You all! :-) So this is the week! The week I hope to finish this story! I might update a few times this week, depends on the love I get from you all! ;-) Love to my beta and a special congrats to her for her epic win this week! ;-) E.K. love you babe!_

_Review Review Review!  
_

_-Sarah_


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I was dreaming, I knew that. James was flying around the room of requirement on a broom chanting "Lily's a rat, Lily's a rat." I looked down at realized I was on all fours, my hands were claws and I would see there were whiskers at the end o f my long pointed nose.

"No! No!" I yelled.

"Lily?" A voice called through the dream. "Lily, wake up!" It called again as something shook my shoulder. I opened my eyes to James's face directly in front of mine. His hand was on my shoulder.

"Oh." I looked around dazed. "What is…"

"You fell asleep on the couch. I decided to let you sleep."

I blinked a few times, trying to wake up fully and banish the images from my nightmare.

"Oh." My eyes widened as I realized James was shirtless next to me.

He winked and then stood up and walked to a table that hadn't been there the night before.

"I had a house elf bring us breakfast. I didn't know when you would wake up."

I stood up yawning and made my way to the table. It had muffins, toast, orange juice and a pot of coffee. I sat down and poured myself a cup of coffee. Holding the cup to my nose, I breathed in the fragrant smell.

"What were you dreaming about?" James asked casually as he grabbed a muffin.

I grimaced at him and took a sip from my cup.

"I was a rat. And you were flying around the room chanting 'Lily's a rat' over and over again." I said, rolling my eyes, trying to dismiss it as a big deal.

James smiled, amused. "I'm sure you'd make a beautiful rat."

I picked up a muffin and threw it at his head. It bounced off his shoulder and rolled under the table.

"Fine! Sorry!" He laughed, "But, honestly, don't worry about it. You're a wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be something more…" he paused and appeared to weigh his words carefully. "Honorable."

I looked at him skeptically.

"Pure?" he tried again.

I shook my head.

"Oh, sexy." He grinned devilishly.

I blushed.

"I still think honorable, or pure. You're one of the purest people I know."

"Is that a good thing?" I wondered out loud. I knew that was how people saw me. It was true; I hadn't dated much and therefore was rather inexperienced when it came to guys. In fact, I had only kissed one, two years ago when I was forced to play spin the bottle with Alice and a few other Gryffindors. I looked up at James, he was clearly thinking about my question.

"Yes. It means you're the marrying type. The girl you can take home to Mum and Dad."

"But not date." I finished for him.

"Not exactly." He contradicted. "You see I'm after this girl and she's the marrying kind. I want to date her." He smiled and appeared to be completely lost in thought.

I stared intently into my coffee. Was he talking about me? Was this his way of telling me that he wanted to be with me? My mind was spinning off in all kinds of directions.

"But she told me we could only be friends." He frowned and looked at me. "Do you know how hard it is to be content with just friendship when you want so much more?"

I glanced up at him and then back into my coffee.

"Yeah, I'd imagine that is quite difficult." I mumbled, my emotions taking a complete nosedive. I had let my hopes take control and now I had to deal with the rejection.

"Do you know Amy?" James asked carefully. I steeled myself and looked at him.

"I know who she is. She's in Ravenclaw right? Wasn't she dating the Ravenclaw's chaser?"

"Henry." James spat, his jaw tight. I could see the muscles working around his mouth. "But they are on and off. He's a complete wanker."

"Ah." I said slowly. "What time is it?" I asked quickly trying to change the subject.

"Uh, it's close to eleven. I'd guess." He said.

"Oh. Well I'd better go. I…told Alice I'd meet up with her at noon." I lied, trying to come up with an excuse to run from his presence.

"Oh. Oh-kay. Do you want to meet up here at four? We can keep working tonight."

I sighed; I had to learn how to do this. I had to be there for Remus and James. So I found myself nodding. "I'd like that." And then I turned and almost ran from the room.

An hour later, showered and in fresh clothes, I found myself wandering aimlessly around the castle. Alice had gone to Hogsmead with Frank and Marlene was off chasing her new crush. I walked down to the lake and perched on a large rock. The weather was nice and my light cardigan was just enough to keep out the chill.

It served me right. Falling for James had been a bad idea all along. I knew James was somewhat of a ladies man. He tended to "fall in love" with one and then chase after her until he succeeded. After a short time he would break it off and find a new love. I knew this and yet my feelings had grown.

I knew Amy and Henry. They were a definite on-off-on-off couple. They fought constantly and publically. I suppose she was pretty, but I wasn't exactly sure she had much for brains.

"Lily?" a deep voice called hesitantly.

I turned and saw Severus Snape standing nervously behind me.

"Severus?" I asked, although I knew it was him. We hadn't talked in a long time. I wasn't a fan of his new friends and their stance on blood purity. He used to complain about James and The Mauraders pranks, but the things his new friends did were ten times worse.

"Are you okay?" He asked carefully, moving a bit closer. "You look a bit, out of sorts."

I glared at him.

"Why would you care?" I snapped. "If I remember correctly, I'm just a dirty mudblood. Why would you care about me?" My voice was venomous and his eyes clearly showed the pain I'd inflicted. I tried to not let it affect me. I didn't want to forgive him, he didn't deserve it.

"Lily," He whispered. "I'm sorry. I am."

"That doesn't change anything." I stated firmly.

He sunk down and sat on the rock next to me.

"Lily, if you need to talk, I'm sitting here. I know you. I know there is something wrong." He said softly as he gazed out over the lake.

I ignored him for fifteen minutes in complete silence. It was impossible to think with Severus sitting right next to me.

"It's complicated." I said softly. "And it's about someone you hate."

I peeked over to Severus who just nodded sagely and continued to look out over the lake.

And then I spilled my story out to him, starting at this summer and ending with this morning's conversation. James had said he already knew about the animagus stuff. It wouldn't come as a shock to him. When I'd finished, I glanced over to Severus. He was sitting slightly slumped on the ground. He almost looked as if he was in severe pain.

"Don't love him Lily. Don't let yourself love him. Please." He begged, with his eyes closed.

I remained silent. What was I supposed to say to that?

He turned and our eyes met. Tears were streaming down his face. I was sure I was the only person that ever saw him this way.

"You already do." He spat, his voice stung with the force of his accusation. "You already love Potter. Just like everyone else. You can't think for yourself anymore, can you Lily?" His words rushed out, and he stood, hands shaking with obvious fury.

I gawked at him with my mouth hanging open. I wasn't in love with James. I wasn't. But his accusation that I couldn't think for myself pissed me off. I stood, turned and began to walk away. I could hear him begging me to turn around and come back, but I ignored him and continued walking.

"Lily!" I saw James walking down the path towards me. I could tell the exact moment he noticed who I had been talking with. I watched his eyes travel from Severus to my face and back. He grabbed my arms and pulled me into a crushing hug.

"What did he do?" James asked as he pulled back to look at my face.

"He… was just being Snape." I said evasively. I couldn't tell James the reason behind the conversation with Severus.

James looked at me a bit longer and then turned to Severus, who was trying to sneak back into the castle unnoticed.

"Snape!" James yelled, causing Severus to freeze in place. "Don't you dare ever hurt her again. In fact, how about you just never talk to her again?"

Severus looked at James with pure contempt. I watched as his hand inched closer to his pocket, where I assumed his wand was stashed. James pulled out his own wand quickly. "No, no Snape." James mocked. "You wouldn't want to hex the Head Boy, with the Head Girl here as well. Who do you think they would believe?"

Snape's hand froze and he looked at me. "I won't be there when he hurts you." He said calmly before he turned on his heel and walked quickly to the castle.

"When who hurts you? What is he talking about?" James asked, looking utterly confused.

"I have no idea." I lied casually. "I'm going to the kitchens; I'll see you at four."

And then I followed Snape's path back up to the castle.

* * *

_A/N Yes, I know. It's a short chapter. Sorry, but that was the best place to cut it! Sad News: I didn't get it finished over my Thanksgiving Break! I barely got a chapter written! My family was too distracting. So, the new plan is to continue on in my slow writing pace and hope that I have enough done to keep posting until my Christmas break which is 3 weeks away. At that point, I WILL FINISH THIS STORY! :-) otherwise, enjoy! And Review! _

_-Sarah_


	6. Chapter 5

And after two weeks... here it is. Sorry! Story now, explanation later!

**Chapter 5**

"Are you okay?" James asked as I walked quickly into the room of requirement.

"I'm fine." I forced a smile onto my face. It was true enough for the time being. I had gotten used to not talking to Severus. It wasn't anything new. I had spent the afternoon thinking it over and now I was here to learn from James. That was what was important.

"Alright. So let's try wandless disarming a few times to warm-up a bit." James's own excitement was evident as I threw my own wand to the floor.

I set my eyes on James and focused my mind completely on his wand. I knew I could do this; after all I had done it just yesterday. A few moments passed and then I watched as James's wand jumped from his hand, through the air and into mine.

"Yes! Great job Lily!" James smiled and I threw him back his wand. "Try it again."

I disarmed James again and again. And as the night moved on I began to get anxious.

"James," I said as I handed him back his wand. "Can we move on now?"

He looked contemplative and I wondered what he was worried about. I knew this was what I wanted, and I was sure he did too.

"Alright." He finally said. "The charm is animagai. All you have to do is think it, you'll feel your body start to shift, but don't fight it. That's the hard part. You just have to let it go."

"What about changing back?" I asked quietly.

"Well, it's a bit harder, but it's the same concept. Just think of your normal shape. It might take a while. I ended up as a stag for the entire weekend my first try." He grinned at me.

I just gaped at him. "I can't be a…whatever I'll be, for three days!" I shouted wide-eyed at James.

"No, no. You won't." James tried to assure me. "I'll help. I didn't have anyone and so no one could explain it to me."

I calmed a bit, closing my eyes ad taking a breath.

"You'll be fine Lils. It's not like apperating. You won't splinch yourself. You either change or you don't." His voice was suddenly closer and I felt his warm arm slide around my shoulders. My eyes fluttered open to find his face right next to mine.

I moved my mouth to say something but I couldn't force the words out.

"Don't be scared. I'll change right after you."

I wasn't scared, but I let him think that had been my problem. I didn't want to get into the real issue right now. I didn't want to tell him I couldn't breath, much less speak because he was so close to me.

"Ready?" He asked as he backed away slightly. "Don't worry if you don't get it the first time." He added kindly.

I clenched my teeth with automatic anger at his assumption that I would fail. I knew I could do it. I knew I knew I would succeed. I took a deep breath and I could feel my magic flowing through me like electricity. I said the word once in my mind and felt the electricity intensify and flow. It curled through my body, winding around my muscles and bones; changing them, transforming me. I felt my body hunch forward as I landed on all fours on the ground. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew James hadn't changed. I could smell his distinct human scent, chocolate and mint. I eventually opened my eyes and took in his expression. It was complete and utter shock. I'd never seen James so thrown. I felt my own breath hitch and panic began to take over my body. Did I do it wrong? Did I become some horrid animal? I could feel my muscles trembling and I began pacing back and forth. I looked down to see that all four of my feet were hooves. What was I?

James seemed to remember his promise and I watched as he transformed himself and became a stag before my eyes.

_She's a doe? What does that mean? How did she do that? How could she just transform in her first try? She's an insanely powerful witch. That was almost…erotic. Or, sensual. It was sexy. I shouldn't be surprised. She's always so sexy. NO! Prongs, don't think like that. It's not like that. I don't want it to be like that. It can't be like that._

I just stood there silent for a moment. I knew I should let him know that I could hear his thoughts, but I was too wrapped up in my surprise. He seemed to be so deep in thought, that he hadn't noticed the connection yet.

_James? _

_Did you just talk?_

_No, James it's in our heads. I can hear your thoughts. You can hear mine._

_Wow. Wait she hears what I'm thinking? SHIT. Did she hear that I thought she was sexy? Oh merlin, this is bad. So bad._

_JAMES. Stop for a minutes._

_Shit. This is going to take some getting used to. _

_Yeah. This is weird. So, I'm a doe? I can't see myself, but you thought that a moment ago…_

_Yes, you are a doe Lily. We'll have to give you a nickname. So how does it feel? Damn her eyes are still green._

I tried to ignore his last thought and instead pranced around the room for a moment. It felt weird, but in a good way. I felt free.

_It feels…freeing. Like I could stay like this forever. _

_You could, but I think you'd better change back before you get too tired to do it. And before I think something I regret._

I tried not to feel hurt. I tried very hard. But, his thoughts stung. He didn't want to be attracted to me. He was, but he didn't want to be.

_How?_

_Well, like I said, picture yourself as human. Think the charm and let yourself change back. You changed into the doe easy enough; this should be simple for you. Watch._

I could see James clearly pictured in his own mind. Just James, with his cocky grin. As I watched James the stag disappeared and was replaced by James the human.

I closed my own eyes and tried to picture myself as human Lily while thinking the charm. Nothing happened. My eyes flew open and I stared at James.

What if I couldn't change back? Would I be stuck like this forever? I didn't realize I had started to pace until James's hand rested on my shoulder, stopping my movement. He smiled softly and made a motion with his hand that I took to mean try again.

I took a deep breath and close my eyes. I could feel my magic flowing again. Coursing through my body and wrapping itself around my bones. I felt a gentle tug and found myself standing back on two legs in front of James.

A smirk crossed his face and my feeling of satisfaction for actually doing the spell quickly left as I realized I was standing completely nude in front of James Potter.

"ACK!" I screamed as I frantically tried to cover my exposed body with my hands. I glared up at James; he wore an expression of amusement.

"JAMES! TURN AROUND! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?" I screamed at him.

James walked causally over to the sofa and picked up a bathrobe that had appeared at some point. He tossed it to me. I watched as it hit the floor right in front of me. There was no way I was going to remove my hands to catch it.

"Turn around!" I demanded again.

He slowly complied and I jerked the robe from the ground and wrapped it around myself. I spotted my wand on the floor and grabbed it quickly. Before he could turn around, he was completely drenched with ice cold water.

"What the…" he protested as water sputtered from his mouth.

"Why did you transform back with clothing and I transformed back completely nude?!?!" I demanded, pointing my wand in his face.

He glared at me and swiped his dripping wet hair from his eyes. "Practice." He bent down to pick up his own wand.

"Accio wand." I mumbled quickly. I caught it in my left hand. "How?" I demanded.

James sighed. "Make sure you picture yourself clothed."

I glared at him.

"It happened to all of us the first time. Even if they pictured clothes. I dunno why. Can I have my wand now? Or can you dry me off at least?"

I tossed him his wand and he caught it deftly. He quickly dried himself off and wandered over to the sofa. I sighed, suddenly feeling utterly and completely drained. I shuffled my feet across the floor and plopped down on the other side of the sofa. We didn't say anything for a while; our normally comfortable silence had become extremely awkward. I could almost feel the tension between us.

"So. The mind-reading thing. Weird." I said and then cursed myself for sounded so damn awkward.

"Yeah. That was weird." He said softly.

"Can we just ignore it happened?" I asked quietly, trying with all my might to keep the hurt from my voice and failing. I was disappointed. He had thought it himself, he didn't want me.

James looked over to me. "Lils, why are you sad? I can't stand it when you're sad, especially if I was the one who made you that way."

I sighed, "James. I don't…I can't… you…I just…" I didn't know what I should tell him. My words wouldn't align in my head.

"Lily." I glanced over at him; his eyes were overflowing with intensity. "You are one of my best friends in the entire world. But I can't. I'm stuck. I can't get over Amy." He looked down to his hands, twirling his wand around absent mindedly.

I stared down at my own hands intensely. I could feel my heart fracturing under his words.

"Lily. Don't think it's because I'm not attracted to you. I'm sure you heard what I was thinking."

I glanced up at him, his cheeks were flushed but he was still looking at his hands. I felt a bit better; he seemed to be determined to make me feel better about the whole thing, even at the loss of his dignity.

"Lils, I gotta ask. I don't want to make life awkward or weird or anything, because you probably know me better than anyone else and I'd hate to lose you. Do you want more from me, more than just friendship I mean?" He looked at me strangely and I tried to tear my gaze away from him.

I could feel my own breath hitch in my throat. The silence in the room was blaring in my ears, if that was possible. Why the bloody hell had he asked me that? What good could possible come from me admitting to him that at this moment, I'd like nothing better than for him to jump across the sofa and crush his mouth to mine? I couldn't deal with his rejection. I couldn't. I looked everywhere but his face, knowing if I looked him in the eye, he would see the lie and I frantically searched for the words that were supposed to be coming out of my mouth. If I didn't answer him now, well he'd know that I did want more, and I couldn't very well tell him that. I couldn't ask him for more when he didn't want more.

"No. I'm good. I mean, you're attractive and everything but you're like a brother to me." I cursed my overactive mouth and tried to clamp it shut, but it kept going. "That would be weird, trying to make it more than it is. Plus, just think of the scandal that it would cause. Head Boy and Head Girl, living in the same room and all."

James stood then. "It's getting late. We should go on rounds and get to bed."

I nodded, got to my feet and followed him from the room.

* * *

_A/N Hi. So so sorry that I did not update last week. My computer cord broke, right before a 10 page research paper was due in one of my classes. So I had quite a week with that all going on. And on top of that, the guy that James is loosely based upon finally woke up last week and well now we're together. He let me know he had feelings for me with quite a cheesy line from Goblet of Fire, actually... "Hey Sarah, You're a girl..." lol does that boy know me or what? :-) Anyway... if you really want the whole story, ask my beta. ;-) I'm going to give you a lil treat later on... watch for that! Review me! _

_-Sarah_


	7. Chapter 6

_Ah ha! As promised, a little treat for you since I missed last week! AND It's James's POV! Don't expect much of this, but I've got to clue you in as to why he does what he does. :-) Enjoy!_

**Chapter 6**

**James's POV**

I walked quickly to the Gryffindor common room, hoping with all my might that Sirius was there. I had taken half of the castle for rounds and Lily took the other half. I figured it was faster and she seemed to want to get away from me quickly, not that I blamed her. But, now that my rounds were done, I needed to find Sirius. As much as he deserved his reputation as a playboy, there was no one that could rival my best mate's girl advice. I knew he'd give it to me straight and without any reservation. That's what I needed right now, someone to tell me that I was an idiot for even thinking that Lily and I could be more than friends.

"Password?" The portrait of the Fat Lady droned without looking at me.

Crap! I'd completely forgotten the new password.

"Uh…" I stalled.

The Fat Lady glanced down, obviously annoyed, but when she saw it was me her expression changed.

"So sorry, Head Boy, Go on in." She swung open and I scrambled in, wondering why I rarely used my powers as Head Boy, but then remembered it was for Lily. I had been trying as hard as possible to be the man she deserved, all the while knowing I'd never be that man. I wasn't sure why I still tried. Remus thought I put her on a pedestal, but I knew how much better she was than I. She was perfect and I'd never be able to deserve her. After realizing how much I really cared about her this summer, I'd started my self improvements. I'd cut back on the pranks and actually put an effort into my studies.

"Ow! James!" A familiar soft voice complained as I crashed into a warm body. I hadn't been paying attention as I entered the common room and had crashed directly into the object of my thoughts.

"Lily!" I called, surprised as I tried to keep us both upright. I overcorrected a bit too much and tripped over the leg of a side table. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to completely halt the fall, I turned my body quickly so that Lily would land on me and not the other way around.

"One would think with your dexterity as a quidditch player, things like this wouldn't happen to you." Lily deadpanned from her perch, basically seated on my chest.

"One would think." I replied dryly.

Lily threw her head back in laughter and I watched her dark red hair shimmer in the candle light of the common room.

"One would also think that the head boy and head girl could use their own _private_ room for such activities." Siruis's voice called from the last step of the staircase leading to the boy's dormitories.

Lily blushed bright red, her face clashing spectacularly with her hair, as she scrambled up off my chest.

"Uh, I'm going to go find Remus." She muttered quietly and then she disappeared behind the closed portrait.

"Nice," I muttered as I rose from the floor and dusted off the back of my robes.

"What?" Sirius asked as I pushed him and walked up the stairs. "Everyone in there was thinking it, I just said it."

"No they were not." I protested as I pushed open the door to the 7th year's room.

"Well, now they are. Same difference really." He grinned as he flopped won onto his unmade bed. "Now what did you come to ask me, young one?"

I rolled my eyes. "You are three days older than me."

"Yes well, nevertheless you did come here for a reason. Lily problems?" He asked curiously.

I sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if it's odd that you can read me so well."

Sirius chuckled. "We're basically brothers. I believe it's expected."

I didn't answer, but sat down on the edge of Remus's always tidy bed.

"So…" Sirius prodded. "How was your weekend with Lily? Are you going to keep trying tomorrow?"

I sighed yet again. "We don't need to; she got it today."

Sirius was quiet for a moment and I glanced up, curious as to why he hadn't responded. His eyes were wide and his mouth was gaping open and closed. He resembled a fish.

"She…she got it on her first try?!?!?!" He spouted; eyes wide.

"Yes." I answered softly, remembering her emerald eyes staring at me from the face of a doe.

"Well, what happened?!?!" He demanded loudly.

"We started practicing the wandless spells first," I began my story slowly. "She had it down the first night, but I wanted to be sure. I told her the spell and she closed her eyes, and just changed. First try. Right there in front of me." I paused and let the moment re-play in my mind, over and over.

"and…" Sirius prodded.

"She's a doe, Sirius." I whispered.

He sat back against the headboard staring at me.

"Bloody hell." He murmured.

"Yeah." I replied dumbly.

"Well," he said after a while. "What happened next?"

"After I stared at her for a moment I transformed too. And then…" I trailed off still not believing the mind reading thing myself.

"You didn't like, mount her did you?" Sirius asked quite seriously.

"No!" I shouted, just barely keeping myself from jumping off the bed to smack him. "You're a bastard, you know that?"

He raised his hands in front of him. "Sorry, what happened then? You look like you did something bad."

"Well, so I transformed and I couldn't stop thinking about how sexy she was and all of a sudden I could hear her say my name. " I glanced up at Sirius. "In my head."

Sirius's face was so surprised, it was almost comical. Any other day or situation and I'd tease him for it, but he looked exactly like I felt.

"So…" he paused. "Did she hear…?"

"Yes." I cut him off. "She told me to cool it."

"Sounds like our Lily." He laughed. "And then what?" He asked, and then quite suddenly his eyes filled with glee. "Did you see her naked?"

I grimaced as the image of her body flooded back into my mind. The soft pale skin, the freckles, and the curves completely saturated my brain.

"You did!" He clapped gleefully, looking very much like a small child that had just received a piece of candy.

I glared at him, trying however futilely to push the image of Lily naked from my mind.

"What did you do?" He asked, still smirking.

"Well, she caught me staring, got pissed and drenched me with freezing cold water." I answered with a shrug and a slight smile.

Sirius roared with laughter, throwing his head back and smacking it against the wall. "You didn't tell her to think of herself clothed?" He finally asked, rubbing his head tenderly.

"Well, it wouldn't have done her any good the first time, plus I didn't want her to worry about it. She wouldn't be able to think clearly and therefore wouldn't have been able to change." I defended. It was all true. My only mistake was staring when she changed back.

"But, that's not the point. The point is what does it all mean? She's a doe and I'm a stag! And we can hear each other's thoughts!" I stood up off the bed and began pacing, trying to figure out what it all meant.

"Does she still think you have it bad for Amy?" Sirius asked suddenly.

I paused. "Yes?"

"hmmmm…"

"What?" I asked sharply.

"Well, it seems to me that you have royally screwed yourself. I mean, I always thought you two would be good together and never quite understood why you lied to her about Amy."

"You know why!" I yelped pathetically. "I had to make her think I wasn't interested. She's too good for me. I can't… I won't…" I collapsed back on Remus's bed.

"It seems to me," he said slowly, "like you two are meant to be together. Maybe you should let her decide if you are good enough."

I jumped off the bed again. "I'm going flying."

"I'm going to be so sorry if your offspring is as self-sacrificing as you are." I heard him mutter as I staked from the room.

* * *

_Review? :-)_

_-Sarah_


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Lily's POV**

I walked as fast as I could to the library, in hopes that Remus had decided to catch up on homework on a Saturday night. I needed to talk with someone desperately and my normal listeners were out. I couldn't very well talk to James and Alice didn't know enough of the details to fully understand. That pretty much left me with Peter, Sirius and Remus, I didn't even have to think to choose the right one. I had checked the Gryffindor common room first, right after finishing my section of rounds. It never occurred to me that James would go there as well. .I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts, ironically enough about him, to realize that he was headed directly at me. Somehow he managed to twist in a way that had me ending up seated on his chest.

I pushed the images of myself straddling James out of my head and searched the tables in the library for Remus, I found him seated in the very back of the room, surrounded by books and rolls of parchment.

"Are you really that far behind, Remus?" I whispered as I sat in the seat directly across the table from him.

He set his quill down and smiled up at me.

"I'm trying to get ahead, my dear."

And then I realized he was preparing for the full moon that occurred in three days.

"Oh yeah," I replied quietly, looking down at the table.

"Did you have a reason for coming here beyond teasing me?" He asked quietly. "You look a bit preoccupied. I wonder if it has anything to do with your…activities this weekend."

I glanced up at him.

"Yeah. I need someone to talk to about all of this." I mumbled.

"And of course you come to me. My excellent listening skills are renowned, you know." He winked at me. I smiled and leaned back in the chair.

"Muffilito." Remus whispered as he waived his wand around us.

"What was that?" I asked curiously.

"It's kind of like a silencing charm, so we can talk without anyone overhearing the conversation." He replied. "Now," He leaned forward. "What is going on with you?"

"I think…" I paused, not knowing what to say.

"Well, that's good. I'm not sure how you could become head girl without doing that." Remus said sarcastically.

I glared at him.

"This is serious, Remus!"

"Sorry," He held up his hands, "You just set yourself up for that one, I couldn't help it. I spend too much time with Sirius and James. Anyway, you think…"

I looked down at my hands clasped together on the table.

"I think…I think I may be in love with James." I whispered, looking up to gauge Remus's reaction.

He had a slight smile, but the reaction I had expected was absent from his face. There was no surprise there.

"And how did this come about?"

I told him the whole story, not leaving one bit out.

"So wait," he said after I had finished. "You two are like the same animagus?" He asked.

"So it would seem." I replied.

"How did he react?" Remus asked excitedly, almost bouncing in his seat.

I shrugged. "He seemed to be surprised by it. I'm not sure. I was trying to sort it all out myself." I paused, trying to remember his first reaction. "He just stared at me. Then when he could change, he thought I was attractive." I shrugged again.

Remus didn't seem to hear me though; he was busy packing away his books.

"Remus?" I asked, trying to get his attention.

"This is great. Maybe he'll finally change his mind!" Remus mumbled to himself, as he stood and began walking to the door.

"REMUS!" I yelled, scrambling from the table.

Madam Prince appeared from out of nowhere and pressed one finger to her lips.

"Sorry!" I whispered as I watched Remus practically run from the room. All the while wondering what the hell was going on.

***

It was about three am when I found myself awake and glowering at the curtains surrounding my bed. I hadn't gotten much sleep over the weekend and this wasn't going to help me stay awake during classes in a few hours. I rolled over trying to fall back asleep when I heard a muted voice outside my door. A few seconds later I hear a knock.

"What James?" I snapped, wondering what he wanted at three am.

"Lily, would you please come out here?" McGonagall's voice called from the other side of the door.

"Yes Professor!" I called as I scrambled out of my bed and searched frantically for my robe.

"I'm sorry…" I trailed off as I stepped out of my room into the common area. Seated on the sofa were Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and a man I recognized from the Prophet as Auror Made-Eye Moody. James was standing in his own doorway, clad only in pajama bottoms, looking just as confused as I felt.

"Will you please come sit down?" Dumbledore asked quietly, his voice lacking the normal jolly tone it always held.

"What is going on?" I asked, suddenly panicked. A cold flush overtook my body and I wrapped my arms around myself. I saw James take another step into the room, letting the door slam behind him. It startled both Dumbledore and McGonagall, making them jump in their seats. Moody didn't seem to notice.

"What is going on?" I asked again, my voice barely a whisper.

"Lily," Dumbledore said softly, "Come sit down first." He motioned to my favorite arm chair.

"No!" I said suddenly enraged. "Tell me what is going on!"

Dumbledore sighed, but didn't press the matter any further.

"Lily, your parents were involved in a car accident a few hours ago. We believe it was caused by dark magic."

I stared at him incredulously. Why would my parents be targeted by dark wizards? What possible explanation could there be?

"Are they okay?" I asked, startling myself with the eerily calm voice that came from my mouth. I didn't feel calm; I didn't feel much at all, just cold.

"They didn't survive Lily."

At that moment I could feel every ounce of my blood flowing in my body. I could hear the wooshing sound as it flowed through my head. I could feel the exact moment it all drained from my head, because it became so quiet. I couldn't hear anything. And then it went black.

I could feel warm arms catch me and the familiar scent of mint and chocolate overwhelmed me.

"James?" I whispered, before the rest of my senses became null.

* * *

_A/N Hello hello! Sorry it's late! and short. but I deemed this an appropriate place to stop for now. My computer has been broken and yuck as of late. So... yeah. Anyway, let me know what you think! Review Review! _

_-Sarah  
_


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I became aware of a voice before my eyes opened. It was James and I wondered why James was in my bedroom.

"No, she hasn't woken up yet. I'll let you know when she does." He said.

I waited a few more minutes as the footsteps faded and whoever was in the room had left before I opened my eyes.

The moment my eyes met James's I remembered. The pain that had been absent until now overwhelmed me, and I struggled to fight off the impending darkness.

I gasped, and felt my hot tears finally begin to cascade down my face. They were such a different temperature than the rest of me.

"Lily." James said softly from his seat next to the bed, where I was lying.

I curled up my knees and rested my chin on them, rocking my entire body forward and back. I was cold everywhere and my teeth began to chatter.

I felt the bed give behind me and then warm arms wrapped around my body and knees. James's chin rested on my shoulder. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I shivered.

"Let go Lily. Cry. Scream. I'm here. I'll hold you."

Feeling safe and warm, I did what James told me. I let go and let my grief take me under.

***

I woke hours later still wrapped in his arms. Somehow we had lain down and my back was pressed against his bare chest, his arms still around me.

"James?" I whispered; my voice hoarse from crying.

"Yes?" He answered.

"Do you know what happened? Do you know why?" I whispered, not really wanting to know, but needing to know.

I could feel his chest expand with his deep breaths. His arms tightened slightly.

"Dumbledore told me. They were driving home from the market. They must've wanted to just go for a drive in the country. They drove upon a duel between a dark wizard and a normal wizard. The dark wizard shot a spell their way and sent the entire car careening off a cliff."

I tried very hard not to react to his words, but the tears streamed down my face anyway. They splashed on to James's arms. He moved his arms from around me and turned my around to face him. He pulled my face to his chest and I buried my face in it.

"Keep telling me." I said, my voice muffled by his chest.

He sighed, and pulled me closer yet. "When the aurors got there, it was too late. Both your parents had died and the wizard who was in the duel with the dark wizard had as well." He paused for a moment. "They told Petunia that they died in a car crash. She and her husband are taking care of the arrangements. The service is on Wednesday."

I nodded into his chest, and then realized I had no idea what day it was. I pulled back to see James's face.

"What day is it?" I asked, and then I realized the compromising position we were in. My legs had become entwined with his and my entire body was flush to his. I pushed myself off of him and sat up with my back against the metal frame of the bed. I hadn't noticed where I was until that moment. It was the hospital wing and anyone could walk in on us at any time.

James sat up as well. "It must be close to six on Tuesday morning." He answered.

It took me a moment to realize that I had been "out" for a very long time. Had James stayed me with the entire time?

"Wait! Tuesday? How's Remus? What is the plan for tonight?" I asked quickly; glad to have an excuse to think about someone else. I didn't want to think about my parents. I didn't want to think about never seeing them again. Never hearing their voices.

"You don't have to go with us tonight." James said softly.

I looked at him sharply. "I will be going tonight."

James sighed, "You have the services tomorrow morning. You shouldn't be out all night."

I glared at him, swinging my legs off the bed.

"I'm going James. You can't tell me I can't go. You're not my fa…" I choked on the last word, looked wildly at James and then raced from the room.

I didn't get far before an arm caught my shoulder and spun me around.

"I'm not trying to be your father Lily. I'm trying to be your friend." James said low and even.

I jerked my arm away but his hand didn't budge. "You've had more thrown at you in the past few days than most people can handle in a lifetime. I'm just worried."

"I'll be fine." I answered softly. "I just wanted to keep my mind off the fact that they are gone. Tonight would do that."

James studied me for a moment; I saw his face soften just a bit.

"Okay." He answered softly. He kept studying my face and I looked down at my feet to avoid his straightforward gaze. "So what are we doing for the rest of the day?" He asked his voice noticeably lighter.

"Shouldn't we be in class?" I asked skeptically, after all James and I would be in much more trouble for skipping class than any other students.

James smiled. "You got a pass for the week. Dumbledore gave me yesterday and today." His expression changed, and he looked almost shy. "And tomorrow if you want or need me to come along."

I nodded, grateful that I didn't have to ask him. I didn't want to go alone but I didn't know how to ask James to come along. "To answer your question, I'd like to head back to our dorm and take a bath. Then we'll see what I feel like." I answered.

James smiled softly and we walked silently to our dorms. I made my way quickly to the bathroom and poured myself a bath as hot as I could stand. I stripped off my wrinkled clothing and slowly lowered my aching body into the water. I sighed and leaned back in the massive tub, leaving only my face above the water.

James had been correct about my week, more so than he could ever realize. My emotions were conflicting and I needed some time to figure it all out.

My parents were gone. My family was gone. I had no idea what I was going to do. My sister was the only one left, and she was only civil to me for the sake of our parents. What was I going to do? Where would I go for breaks? How could I possibly make it without them?

I let myself sink below the surface of the water. It was so quiet. I wished I could drown the rest of the world out of my head and just say in here forever. I felt like no one could hurt me here, I could just float along and not worry about anything.

I wished there was a way I could permanently erase the pain and worry. I wondered idly how painful drowning was. Could I just stay here, under the water until I was no longer? Would anyone notice?

"Lily?" A muffled voice broke into my silence and I sat up, my face breaking the surface of the water.

"Yeah?" I called.

"I'm going to see if I can get a house elf to bring us some food. Any suggestions?" James asked through the door.

I sighed, "Surprise me."

"Alright." He called back.

I quickly washed my long hair and climbed from the tub. Wrapping a large fluffy towel around me, I strode back into my room. I picked my comfiest jeans and an off-white sweater from my wardrobe and slipped them on. I didn't bother with make-up and threw a quick drying spell on my hair.

When I finally emerged from my room, James was seated on the sofa, flipping through one of my novels.

"Is this any good?" He asked, tossing me my copy of "Wuthering Heights".

I caught it and smoothed my hand over the cover thinking about his question.

"Well… It is a very well written book. " I hedged.

He raised one eyebrow. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I sighed, and plopped down on the couch next to him.

"Is it a love story?" He asked.

"Eh… Kind of." I said. "It's about this couple. Cathy and Heathcliff. But she marries someone else and he marries her husband's sister of out spite…"

"They sound like horrible people." James cut in.

"Yes, I suppose they do. But it does end happily." I defended.

"How is that possible?" He challenged.

"Well, not for them. But for their children."

He looked almost angry, and I had no idea why. "Why would you read a book like that?" He almost growled.

I looked down at my hands. "Not everyone gets a happy ending. It isn't realistic to think that." I whispered.

I heard James shift on the sofa and then he cleared this throat. "So. What do you want to do now?"

I sat staring at him for a moment, his mood swings were confusing me and it took me a bit to get my bearings and answer his question. "I'm not sure."

"Do you want to talk about them? I'm willing to listen. I think it might help." He said softly.

I felt my heart clench and I tried to keep the tears that welled up in my eyes from falling. "I'm not sure I can do that." I answered.

A sudden crack echoed in the room and a house elf dressed, in what appeared to be two pot holders and some yarn, placed a huge plate of pancakes, two plates, a carafe of coffee, two cups and some silverware on the coffee table in the center of the room and then disappeared.

"Pancakes?" I asked, as James leaned forward to pour coffee into our cups.

"Oh of course! The ultimate comfort food! My mum always made them for me when I was sick." He grinned as he placed a few on each plate.

I felt my heart clench again, at the mention of his mother.

"What did your mum do for you when you were sick?" He asked casually.

I stared at James for a moment; I didn't want to tell him the silly stories of my family because I didn't want him to see my cry again. And I knew that I would if I started to think about them. Part of my mind reminded me that I had done much more embarrassing things in James's presence and that crying again really wasn't that big of a deal.

I leaned forward and snagged a few pancakes off the platter.

"Wow," I exclaimed. "How many types of pancakes did they give us?" There were at least three different kinds on my plate, and I hadn't grabbed the ones with the pink stuff or the darker ones.

James shrugged as he took a bite. "If you mix this pale one with the dark one it tastes like peanut butter cups."

I giggled slightly and took a bite of the more familiar looking blueberry pancakes on my plate. I took a deep breath and decided.

"My mum made cookies when she got anxious." I said quietly, testing to see if I could actually handle this.

James stopped chewing and smiled slightly at me. "What kinds?"

"All kinds," I replied. "When it got really bad she would try out new recipes. Weird ones with odd ingredients. She made curry chocolate chunk cookies once." I remembered that day clearly. Dad had forgotten their anniversary.

"Gross!" James exclaimed, eyes wide with disgust.

"They weren't actually that bad." I replied. "Strange, yeah. But not bad."

James appeared to be deep in thought and then with a wave of his fully loaded fork said, "I guess anything can be good if it's combined with chocolate."

I giggled slightly, shaking my head. "Not true." I sat forward. "Christmas day. My mother had spent hours on the turkey. On a whim, just as the turkey was getting all crispy golden brown, she decided to make a chocolate gravy for it." I paused, waiting for James's face to change. He didn't disappoint and I watched as his face changed to disgust again.

"You are joking, right?" He asked wide-eyed. "No one would put chocolate on turkey!"

I nodded and he shook his head.

"Did you eat it?"

"My dad tried it. He could only get a few bites down. Mum was so upset it didn't turn out. She ran to their room and cried all night." I felt myself tearing up as I finished the story. They flowed unchecked down my face. "I'm s-sorry James." I choked as I searched for a tissue.

"Don't apologize for missing them Lily." He said softly as he transformed a napkin into a tissue and handed it to me.

I took it and wiped my tears quickly. "I didn't know I had any of those left." I tried to joke, but my voice cracked and the tears continued to pour down my face. James scooted closer, raised one hand and caught one of my tears on his finger. He looked at me with his eye brows furrowed, almost as if he was trying to decide something.

"I…" He whispered, leaning forward slightly. I could feel his warm breath, smelling like chocolate as always, on my face. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, not finishing what he was going to say. His expression looked torn, like he was trying to decide something but wasn't sure that he could trust his own decision.

"Lily!" A duo of voices screeched from the door as Alice and Marlene burst in through the door. They both stopped suddenly with surprised expressions on their faces, taking in the scene in front of them.

James groaned quietly and stood up. "I'm going to go shower." He turned and walked to his bedroom without a backward glance.

"Best make it a cold one!" Marlene called loudly from the doorway. Alice giggled and then immediately slapped a hand over her mouth and ran towards me.

* * *

_A/N Hello Hello! Yes, I know I missed my normal update day. I have no excuse. Well I do. You see, I was going to write like mad over the 3 weeks I have off for my Christmas break. But the first week I was at home, and my family drives me nuts sometimes, and we had a blizzard and so yeah I got nothing done. And now I'm back at my apt but my boyfriend takes up a lot of time, so... and then next week he's coming home with me a few days and then I'm going to his home for a few days... yeah. So... I have a few chapters backlogged so I'll keep plugging away for you all! and Sorry this was sooooooo angsty and sad. but it had to be for my story to continue on. :-) Much love!_

_-Sarah  
_


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"I'm so sorry Lily! We came up as soon as we heard. How are you doing? Do you need anything?" She sat down in the spot that James has just vacated. Her hands fluttered around uselessly.

Marlene sauntered over to the couch a bit slower and sat on my other side. She grabbed one of my hands off the sofa and squeezed gently. "My question is what is happening between you and James?"

I sighed. "I'm fine." I said looking at Alice, and then I turned and faced Marlene. "And James and I… I have no idea." I said softly. "I'm not even sure I should be thinking about James and me at this point."

Marlene looked at me seriously. "Lily. Your parents loved James. They would not be upset that you found comfort in him right now. You can't just shut down because they are gone."

"Marlene!" Alice said, sounding shocked. "She just lost her parents!"

"Yeah! I know that Alice! But she shouldn't be feeling bad about her and James just because they aren't here!" Marlene shot back.

I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. I loved my friends, but at least with James's forehead pressed to mine, I was able to forget about my parents. Now I felt slightly numb, like this wasn't happening to me. It was hard to think that my parents were gone. It kind of felt like I was living in a dream, well not a dream, more like a nightmare.

"Lily?" Alice's voice asked quietly.

"I'm fine Alice. Please just, let's not talk about them. I don't know how to right now without falling apart. I feel like I've been crying all the time for the past few days. Just not now. Okay?" I begged quietly.

Alice and Marlene both nodded.

"So… James?" Marlene asked with a slight smile. "You too looked rather comfy when we walked in here." She elbowed me in the ribs.

"I…have no idea." I replied honestly. "I'm not sure what would have happened if you two hadn't walked in here."

"Hmm…" Alice stood and started pacing in front of the table. "Wait!" She paused suddenly right in front of me. She leaned down and stared at me. "I haven't seen him around the last couple of days. Has he been with you the entire time?"

I nodded slowly, picking at the hem of my sweater. "He was with me when I found out. When I woke up in the hospital wing he was sitting next to my bed. He…" I trailed off; the memories of falling apart in his arms were double edged.

"and…?" Marlene prodded; her eyes wide.

"He…well he climbed up in my bed to comfort me. We must have fallen asleep that way because when I woke up he was still there. When I figured out I was in the hospital wing I pulled away. I don't know. It wasn't that big of a deal…" I said softly.

" Bloody hell! It is so a big deal!" Marlene shrieked. Alice nodded as she plopped back down next to me on the sofa.

"Shhh!" I admonished, looking pointedly at James's door. I could still hear the water running but it was better to remain careful.

"Not many guys would do that." Alice said softly. "I doubt Frank would have. He's afraid of me when I cry."

Marlene snorted, but I didn't say anything for a while. And the other two remained silent as well. It was an uncomfortable silence and I tried to keep the images of James holding me out of my head. It wasn't worth the mental effort to figure out James Potter.

Suddenly, the door banged open again and Sirius, Remus and Peter came barging into the room.

"James is in the shower." Alice said, her voice clipped, and I wondered why she was so angry at the Marauders.

"Yes. Do just go into his room and leave us be." Marlene added, just as short.

Sirius ignored both Alice and Marlene and grabbed me off the sofa, pulling me into a hard hug.

"Wha…" I managed to say before he squeezed harder and cut off my words. My breath huffed out and I struggled to inhale.

"How are you doing?" He asked softly.

"I…can't…breathe…" I choked out.

"Oh! Sorry!" He loosened his grip on me but his arms stayed around me.

I stared at him a moment, dumbfounded by his lack of sarcasm or inappropriate comments or gestures. It appeared that he was genuinely worried about me, something I'd yet to see.

"I'm fine Sirius." I said, giving him a slight squeeze back.

Remus grabbed me from Sirius's embrace and gave me a quick hug.

"Are you sure?" He asked quietly.

"Yes." I answered.

"James has been with her." Alice added from the sofa. "And we are here now."

Remus chuckled slightly. "We better go get him from the shower. Lest he drown himself in there."

Sirius and Peter laughed loudly and all three left walked quickly through James's door.

I stood in the middle of the room slightly stunned and thoroughly confused. I turned and glared at Marlene and Alice, still on the sofa.

"What was that about? Why don't you like the guys?" I demanded.

"We like them enough…" Alice said slowly.

"We just feel like…" Marlene added.

"That maybe you like them better?" Alice finished, looking down at her hands.

I sighed and sat in the comfy armchair across from them. How did I explain my time with them, and not spill about Remus and the whole Animagus story.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been spending a lot of time with them right now. I just, well Remus… knows about my feelings for James and he knows James's… I feel like h-he… understands a bit. You know?" I spluttered, trying to give some cohesive reasons.

Alice and Marlene didn't say anything for what felt like hours. Finally, Alice sighed.

"I guess when you and James finally make it official you will be spending even more time with him and less with us. Just don't forget you have girls, alright?"

I blushed and nodded. "I love you two. That won't happen."

"Aww! How cute." Sirius cooed from James's door. "How long do we have to wait for the good stuff?"

All three of us girls glared at him. James smacked the back of his head.

"Hey!" He turned to glare at James. "You are supposed to be on my side!"

James shrugged and moved to sit on the arm of my armchair.

"Well, we better be getting to class. Don't want to get McGonagall's panties in a twist." Sirius said as he sauntered over to the door behind Remus and Peter. Right before he disappeared he turned and looked directly at James. "You be careful tonight. We don't need any fawns running around here."

My eyes got wide at his obvious connotation. I watched James shoot a stinging spell at him. Sirius grinned and slammed the door before it could hit him; the spell exploded on the door in a shower of red sparks.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" Alice asked, looking utterly confused.

I had no idea what to say, and so I just looked at James.

He shrugged. "It's Sirius. When does he ever make any sense?" He said calmly.

"We better be getting to class as well." Marlene said, standing up from the sofa.

I watched as Alice and Marlene disappeared behind the door before slumping back into my seat.

James smiled as he slipped his hand behind my head and started to rub my neck.

"With friends like those, who needs enemies?" He asked with a chuckle. I just groaned.

* * *

_Hi. *ducks all the rotten vegetables* I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I have a few excuses for the delay, but none are quite good enough for you guys. You see, classes started and it's my final semester so I'm kind of busy with that, and also well... I write what I feel most of the time. So being as I'm deliriously happy with my boyfriend at the moment, I'm finding it hard to write from Lily's POV. But as any good writer knows, I've got to learn to write in any situation so! I'm writing again. And I know it is short, but I promise it just makes sense to break it here. _

_Love to my beta. _

_-Sarah_

_p.s. review? :-( even if it is hate from the lack of updates.  
_


	11. Chapter 10

_Don't hate me because this took so long. Explanation below!_

_**Chapter 10**_

"Are you sure that this is okay?" I asked, my voice sounding more and more panicked as we crept slowly through the empty hallways of Hogwarts, James's invisibility cloak drawn over our heads.

"Shhh! And yes. No one will catch us if you keep your voice down!" James whispered.

"How can you possibly know that?" I whispered back.

James stopped suddenly and turned to face me under the cloak. He pulled a piece of parchment out of the pocket of his jumper and handed it to me.

"What is this?" I asked as I unfolded what appeared to be a map. I could see tiny dots moving around, each labeled with a name.

"That would be another trick of mine. I'll explain it later, but see here?" He pointed to a corridor that only had two dots. "This is where we are. No one else is around. There is a clear shot to the passageway that will take us to the shrieking shack."

I nodded and we continued down the corridor and out the front door of the castle.

"Wait!" I whispered harshly to James, tugging on the back of his jumper. "Why is this door unlocked? Isn't it usually locked for the night by now?"

James rolled his eyes and smirked at me. I heard a quiet chuckle behind me. I spun to see Dumbledore standing atop a massive staircase next to the door.

"I do hope the head girl and boy are careful tonight." He said lightly, turning to walk down the corridor as Ms. Norris curled around his legs. "Bloody cat. I do detest cats. " he said as he cheerfully kicked the cat out of his way.

I heard James snort as he pulled my arm and we walked quickly out the front door into the twilight. We kept silent as James pulled me towards the Whomping Willow.

"What?!?" I gasped as we got closer to the dangerous tree.

"You should know that you can trust me by now. I have done this before." He said dryly as he levitated a small branch, knocking it against the tree. Suddenly the tree ceased its rabid movements. As we neared the tree he pulled the cloak from around us and shoved it in the small rucksack he carried with him. "Follow me." He ducked down and crawled into a small opening at the base of the tree. I hadn't even noticed it until the tree had stopped its movement.

When we finally emerged from the dark tunnel, I found myself in a dimly lit shack. It was sparsely furnished and I saw Remus standing near a boarded up window, looking through the crack.

"It won't be long. The sun is almost set." Remus said softly.

James dropped his rucksack on floor near the lone chair in the room. He turned to look at me. "You might want to take your clothes off in the other room before you change, just so we can be sure that they don't disappear when you change."

I nodded and eyed Remus carefully. "Now?" I asked.

James nodded. "That would be for the best. That way, if you have any trouble you have plenty of time."

I nodded and walked quickly into the next room and shut the door behind me. There was a bed and wardrobe pressed up against the walls. I quickly disrobed, placing my wand on top of my pile of clothing. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and concentrated on the charm. I could feel the magic flowing like electricity again, altering my body into a strangely familiar shape.

I could hear James's voice through the door, but I couldn't understand what he was saying to Remus. I could also smell him through the door. I wondered if my nose was that good or if I was just extremely attuned to his scent.

I moved towards the door and pushed lightly with my head. It didn't budge. I took a step back and glared at the door. I realized I must have latched the door when I shut it behind me. I stood at the door for a moment, trying to figure out how I could possible unlatch it without my hands.

Not coming up with a better option, I took a few more steps back and ran at the door with my head lowered. I hit the door with a resounding smack, but it didn't budge. I heard what sounded like a chuckle from behind the door and James's scent grew stronger as I heard footsteps coming closer to the closed door.

The door swung open and James stood towering over me, his shoulders trembling with his repressed mirth. I gave him my best glare and galloped around him to Remus's side.

His eyes left the waning sunlight to glace at me. I watched him look over to James, his lips moved and I could hear sound but could only make out what he said by the movement of his lips. How odd.

"She is magnificent."

James replied, but I didn't turn fast enough to catch his words. I sighed and turned back to look out the window. The sun was just barely peeking over the line of trees that were at the edge of the forest.

_Any minute now._

A sudden voice filled my head. I instantly recognized as James. He ran over to be and motioned with his head to Remus, who was once again watching out the window, his gaze where mine had just been.

_Will he be okay? _I asked.

_He….It's hard on him, but I think he is getting used to it. Not that it will ever be easy for him. _ James thought carefully.

I glanced back to the window and watched as the last bit of light slipped behind the horizon.

A blood curdling scream pierced the silence as Remus collapsed to the floor, tremors taking over his body. I watched in mute horror as his fingers elongated and fierce claws burst out from the tips. Hair exploded from his skin and covered every bit of his body. His face, already contorted in pain, began to morph. His eyes and nose changed from my familiar, safe Remus to a monster that held no recognition for me.

_He's fine. Or he will be. Just stay back for a bit._

I took a small step back as Remus stood panting. His whole body shook with the breaths. He glanced around the room and James stepped in front of me as Remus eyed us carefully.

_Just let him get used to us. He'll be fine when he realizes we won't attack him._

_James! You look defensive._ I reminded him as Remus stepped toward us with his teeth bared and snarls ripping from his throat.

_Ok _He replied slowly, backing to stand next to me, instead of in front of me. Remus watched for a while, then turned and lay on the floor.

_Is he going to sleep? _ I wondered.

_Dumbledore gave him a potion. It was supposed to calm him for the night. Make it not so hard on him, _he thought_. But I'm not going to sleep. He could wake up at any time and freak out._

_So he's never had the potion before? _I wondered.

_Nope. Not sure why Dumbledore decided to try it this time. But than again, I never quite understand him._

_Yeah, I think that most people share that sentiment. _I replied.

James shrugged and made his way to the opposite side of the room from Remus. He turned and curled up on the floor, making himself comfortable. I walked over and lay down near him.

_So_, _I_ thought, _what was that piece of parchment you had earlier. You did say you would tell me about it._

I watched his face, though in this form it was not as familiar, it was still handsome. I wondered if it was just handsome to me because I was the same species as him, or if I was human I'd be attracted to him as a stag. It was a strange thought, and I banished it from my mind quickly, knowing James was privy to my thoughts.

_I did not say I'd tell you about it!_ He thought indigently. _A bloke has a right to keep some secrets. _

_You did too! _I protested. _Your exact words were "I'll explain it later"._

He glared at me. _You can't possibly remember my exact words._

I glared back at him. _You can't possibly think that I can lie to you inside my own head. I don't think it works that way. You just get to hear my exact thoughts. And you said you would explain it later. Besides, what else are we going to talk about?_

_You can lie inside your own head. _He thought, and the timber of his thoughts was sad. Almost as if he was resigned to something. _But you're not. So I guess I'll tell you. Just don't let the guys know you know about it._

I nodded and kept my thoughts somewhat empty.

_A few years ago the guys and I decided that we need a better way to sneak around. I mean, we had my cloak but that wasn't fool proof, you know? Dumbledore had to rescue it from the clutches of Flich more than once. _

_Wait, why would he do that? I mean, if you guys were not following the rules… _I wondered.

James huffed out a loud breath. _I'm telling the story. You keep your questions to yourself for now. But to answer that, it's a family thing. He knows that my father gave it to me and it's really important. Like, one of a kind. He didn't think that Flich should have a hold of something with that much value._

_Oh,well okay. Proceed._

James rolled his eyes but went on. _Remus figured out how to do most of it. But I was the one who actually mastered the charm to get it to work. And Sirius figured out how to make sure that no one else could read it. It's a map of the school and some of the grounds. It tells you who is where at all times. We even figured out how to get it to recognize people when in Animagus form. _

_Wow. You guys are much better at magic than you let on. I can't believe you figured out how to do that! Why don't you ever put that much effort into your classwork?_

James rolled his eyes yet again. _Classwork doesn't get you anywhere. You learn more from hands-on activity. Would you have been able to become the doe by just reading books? _

I shrugged. _Probably not. But you have to know the basics and the rules before you can just go out and do things. If you don't, well you are no better than those who mess with dark magic. _

_We don't break laws, Lily._

_And what do you call this? _ I asked, nodding towards him. _I'd call being an unregistered animagus breaking a law._

_That is beside the point. We did this to help Remus. And Dumbledore knows about it. He wouldn't let us get involved in dark magic. Plus, you are sitting here as an unregistered animagus too. Therefore your point it moot anyway._

I sighed. He was right. _Okay. Fair enough._ We sat in silence for a while, each immersed in our own thoughts, and not paying attention to the others.

_Lily? _ He called out in his mind after about fifteen minutes.

I turned my head towards him.

_Do you think that those people who mess with dark magic are responsible for your parents? I mean, I know that Dumbledore and Moody said they thought they were, but what do you think?_

_I don't know James. _I tried to hold my head a bit higher.

_Do you think it has to do with that Voldemort bloke?_ He continued on, his thoughts a bit harder. _You've heard about him right? _

_Yeah. Isn't he that dark wizard they were having a few problems with a few months back? _

_Yeah. The one that has this pureblood agenda. He thinks that only wizards who are pureblood are worthy of magic. He's got these followers called Deatheaters that do his bidding._

_I'm not sure it was him, James. I can't imagine someone who would hurt people just because they are muggle or have muggle parents. Why would he target mine? Or was it a complete accident? _I sighed, and laid my head down on the floor. _I doubt I will ever truly know the answer. _

James nudged me in the shoulder with his head. _ You can sleep if you want. I'll wake you if Remus wakes up. You've got to be tired. _

_Thank-you James. I didn't think I could be tired already. Tomorrow is going to be a long day._

_

* * *

_

A/N Okay, so my college career is finished. I graduated this past weekend and now I'm on the hunt for a job. Therefore, as I am unemployed and have a degree in English Literature, I'm writing again. :-) I have some more written that I'll keep posting quickly because I feel so bad for leaving this for an entire semester! :-( Sorry about that. Much love to my beta, who still loves me even if I haven't written in FOREVER! :-) Review? Let me know someone is actually reading this?

-SarahDawn


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**Lily's POV**

The next few weeks were a blur of classes and making sure I had no spare time to think. I started tutoring first and second years just to keep myself busy. On top of my duties as head girl and heavy class load, I barely had time to breath. After the funeral, I stopped talking to James. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be around him, forcing him to be with me because he felt bad for me. I wouldn't do it to him. I loved him and sometimes that meant you had to set people free. He had been great, holding my hand throughout the hell that had been my parent's funeral. He let me cry on his shoulder and helped me disappear quietly before anybody could come and tell me how sad they were for me. But he just saw me as a friend and I just couldn't be that for him.

So I avoided him. I spent only the necessary time in our dorm for sleep and a shower and then left for one of my various activities. I studied in the library, spent enough time with Marlene and Alice to satisfy them and continued to ace all my classes. On the outside, I was fine. That was all anyone needed to know.

**James POV**

I watched her on my map every chance I got. It was my way of keeping myself sane. I knew she was avoiding me, and I knew I probably deserved it. I should have just moved on, let her go and actually have fun my last year at Hogwarts, but I couldn't. It got so bad, that I found myself following her around the castle, under my invisibility cloak.

"I'm an idiot!" I whispered to myself as I sat behind a shelf in the library watching Lily study a few feet from me. I had seen her on the map, studying by herself in the back of the library and I couldn't help myself. It had been days since I had actually seen her in person. She was always awake and gone before I got out of bed, no matter how early I rose.

"Yes, Prongs, I daresay you are a bit daft." Sirius whispered from behind me, pulling the invisibility cloak from my shoulders.

"Gah!" I yelped, and then glanced frantically towards Lily, who had looked up to see who had yelled. I met her gaze for just a moment and saw a flash of sadness wash over her, before she grabbed her belongings and shoved them into a rucksack as she fled the room.

"Great!" I muttered, "Now she thinks I was watching her like some sort of creep."

Sirius laughed loudly. "What were you doing then? Because to me, it appeared like you were watching her like some sort of creep."

I grabbed my cloak from his hand and walked quickly towards the door.

"Wait! Wait!" Sirius called as he ran to catch up with me. He grabbed my shoulder and I spun around to look at him. "My, My, we're touchy today."

I glared at him. "What do you want Sirius? "

He shrugged. "Not much. I was just talking to Remus and Peter. You need to get over this 'worthier than thou' shit with Lily."

I clenched my teeth, "I'm not having this conversation with you." I spat, as I turned to leave the library.

"It's what she needs James! Can't you see that? She needs you!" He yelled as I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me. But, no matter how fast I ran, I knew I wouldn't be able to run from the words now resounding in my head.

"She needs you!"

**Lily's POV**

"Lily!" Alice called after me as I walked quickly between the library and the Great Hall. I had been hoping to be one of the only students eating at such a late time. I hadn't counted on anyone waiting for me.

"Hey Alice." I called, trying my best to sound cheerful.

She ran up to me and gave me an over-exuberant hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages!"

I smiled slightly. " We had lunch a few days ago."

"Oh yes, I guess we did." She said looking puzzled.

I just smiled softly again. I had made sure over the past few months to do something with Alice and Marlene at least once a week. So when this very situation arose, I'd have a reply.

"Anyway. I was just wondering what you were doing for the Christmas holiday?" Alice said after a short pause.

"I'm staying here. I have some work I need to catch up on."

"How is that possible?" Alice complained. "All you do is school work or tutoring or head girl stuff. How can you possibly need to catch up?"

I just shrugged and started to step towards the door to the Great Hall. "I've got to eat quickly and get back to the library."

I could hear Alice sigh as I backed through the door. "Send me an owl okay? And relax a bit, it's a holiday!" She called as I turned and ran smack into a brick wall, or what felt like one. A brick wall that smelled like chocolate and mint. I paused, and allowed myself a short moment to cherish the feel of his hand on my arms, steadying me before I jerked away.

"Sorry James." I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the floor and walking around him.

"So you do remember me." He called after me.

I paused, hearing the pain mixed with anger in his voice. "I've been busy James." I replied without turning around.

"Oh?" He said. " I thought you were just avoiding me. I didn't realize you were busy! I'M SORRY! Don't let me get in your way. YOU MUST HAVE MANY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO!" His voice had risen until he was yelling the last few words. They were dripping in sarcasm.

I whipped around, the cool, indifferent mask that I had held so carefully in place for the past months crumbled to the ground as my anger bubbled to the surface.

"You have no idea what I'm going through, James Potter. No bloody idea." I all but growled. My eyes locked with his and I noticed his vibrant green eyes were sparkling with poorly concealed mirth.

"So she does have emotions." He announced, holding his arms as if speaking to an audience.

I noticed then that the Great Hall was rather full for such a late hour. Every eye was focused on James and myself. He noticed my preoccupation with our audience.

"People are watching Lily. Best not take a step out of line." His voice was taunting and he took a step towards me. "Best keep up appearances. Ignore reality." He continued walking, stopping right in front of me. "Be little Miss Perfect." He whispered.

Before I could think about it, before I could even comprehend what was happening, my hand shot out and slapped James hard across the face.

The sound of my hand against the skin of his cheek echoed across the complete silence of the Great Hall.

"I…I…" I didn't know what to say, so I stepped around James, intent on fleeing the room.

James's hand shot out and grabbed my arm, pulling my body flush with his. Before I could wrestle free, his mouth crashed down on mine, in a kiss of utter dominance.

I melted in his arms as my knees gave out; I felt his strong arms tighten around my waist. He pulled away first, resting his forehead against mine he whispered:

"There you are."

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, only then to realize our audience was clapping.

* * *

_A/N eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :-) Tell me how giddy you are that I finally did that? ;-) Please?_

_-SarahDawn  
_


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Does your face hurt?" James asked a few hours later as we sat on the sofa, side by side in front of a crackling fire.

My grin widened as I turned my head to look directly at him. "Why would my face hurt?"

"Oh, I don't know. Perhaps from the sheer strength it takes to hold a smile like that for hours." He teased as he smoothed the back of his hand against my cheek.

My eyes fluttered closed on their own accord and I sucked in a deep breath.

"Really," I said when I could control my breathing. "It's all your fault."

I watched as a grin split his features. I wasn't exactly sure, but I could only assume his grin matched my own.

"I make you happy?" He asked quietly, almost as if he didn't want the answer.

I watched in awe for a moment as the bravado that always surrounded James Potter, slipped away and a shy, unsure boy remained.

"Yes," I whispered back.

He looked up at me, eyes wide as if surprised by my answer.

"Surely you can see that."

James took both his hands and placed them on both sides of my face, locking our gazes.

"I'm not good enough for you, Lily." His hands slipped down my face, but my own moved quickly to keep them there.

"You are more than I deserve." I began as he shook his head fiercely. "No. Listen James. I'm not whole. If anything, you deserve more than I can give you. But I'm willing to try. James, I love you. More than anyone or anything else."

I watched his frozen form, more scared than I had ever been before, I could lose him. At least before, I chose to try to live without him. I had no power here, it was his choice. I was petrified, he was all I had.

"I.." James stopped, gazing at me wide eyed again.

I dropped my hands to my lap. He didn't continue talking and I could feel my breath quicken and my heart stop beating all together.

"No! NO!" James yelled, lurching forward and smashing me into his chest. "I love you, Lily Evans. More than I can even explain. I just never thought to hope you could ever feel the same."

"Well, I do." I said as I pulled back slightly so I could see his face. "So you better get used to it. I doubt it's going to ever change."

"I think I can get used to this." He whispered as his mouth closed in on mine.

James's holiday plans were the same as my own. His parents had recently decided to attend a business meeting in some obscure part of Russia and decided to make a few months long trip of it, leaving James at Hogwarts. He didn't complain much about their absence, he didn't really have time to, as he found himself sorely behind in most of his classes.

"It's surely a good thing," I said one night during the first week of holiday, "that I am ahead in all our classes."

James nodded as he scratched out a word on his parchment, an essay for our advanced potions class, an essay I had finished and handed in before Slughorn had even assigned it. A perk of belonging to his "Slugclub".

"I never thought I'd be thankful for that time, but it does help to have your assistance on these things."

I kissed him soundly on the cheek. "It is nice to have a break from everything. Helping you is much more stress-free when I've already done the work."

I leaned back in my wooden straight back chair and propped my feet up on the table. Madam Prince had given us special permission to use the library in the afterhours.

"Look here! Miss Lily's breaking the rules." James teased as he rolled his finished essay and set it aside.

I laughed lightly and pulled my feet off the table.

"Watch this." I said quietly.

I then proceeded to climb up on the table and sit, cross-legged directly where James's parchment had just been.

"What are you going to do about it Mr. Potter?"

He stood and placed both hands on either side of me. "Well, I could punish you." He grinned and winked.

I rolled my eyes.

"Or I could join you."

I laughed as James climbed up onto the table and stood in the very middle. I turned to look up at him.

"You are strange, James Potter."

"Yes, yes but you love me. And you aren't exactly normal yourself."

I stuck my tongue out at him and he kneeled down in front of me.

"But I love your strangeness." He whispered, and then kissed me soundly. "And your beauty." He kissed my again. "And your brain." He kissed me once more and his face lingered and I felt his warm breath on my ear. "Merlin, Lily I can't think of anything that could stop me from loving you."

Before I realized it, the Christmas holiday had passed. Our four weeks of almost seclusion had been perfect. I didn't want to come down off of this cloud, I didn't want to sober from this high. As much as I loved my friends, I did not want to share any of my holidays with them. Those memories belonged to James and I. They knew, of course, that James and I were together. The whole school knew. But they were going to beg for details, they already had in letters. And they were going to be angry that I hadn't answered any of them. But I wanted this for myself. I wanted to keep it untarnished, pure, safe. I wanted to protect it, protect him.

James and I sat, shoulders touching on my balcony as we watched the lights of the carriages get closer to the castle. The warming charm I had cast allowed us to sit comfortable as the last light made it to the castle.

"Ready for this?" James asked.

"Do I have a choice?" I asked flatly back.

"Nope." James responded, standing up.

We walked hand-in-hand down the elaborate staircase and into the Great Hall. The buzz of multiple conversations assaulted my ears. I watched as friends ran across the all, hugging and chattering with each other about the holidays. A first year caught my eye, as she excitedly showed her friend a new remberall. I wondered if trivial things like that could ever seem important again.

"LILY!" A two-voiced shrill caught my attention and I turned just in time to see Alice and Marlene running towards me.

"I'll find you later." James whispered quietly in my ear before winking and moving quickly towards the section of the table already occupied by Remus, Sirius and Peter.

"Hey!" Alice snapped her fingers in front of my face.

I blinked and turned my attention to my two friends.

"Hello!" I hugged each of them quickly. "Tell me about your holiday!" I gushed a bit more excited than I would have normally been. Alice and Marlene looked at me warily.

"How much pepper-up potion have you downed today?" Marlene asked, one eyebrow rose in suspicion.

"Oh hush!" Alice responded, "We want to hear about YOUR holiday Lily. What's with you and James?"

I glanced quickly away from Alice, only to catch James's gaze from across the hall. He had a slight smile on his face and winked at me as our eyes met.

"Lily!" Marlene yelled. "Can you just pay attention to us for just a moment?"

My eyes snapped back to Alice and Marlene.

"Sorry." I mumbled. "My break was wonderful. I helped James catch up on his work."

Marlene raised her eyebrows. "Is that all? You worked on homework? You two have spent years dancing around each other and repressing…everything! And you do HOMEWORK?"

I felt heat flush my face. "Yes." I answered quietly.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I'm hungry. Let's eat and then we can grill her later."

Lucky for me, Alice and Marlene were easily distracted at supper. Sirius had broken things off with his girlfriend right before the holiday, claiming he wanted to be free for the rest of his time at Hogwarts. Thus, he spent the entire time trying to get Marlene to kiss him.

I was distracted by a completely different manner. James's hand, clasped in mine, was resting on my thigh. His fingers brushed against the seam in the side of my skirt, causing goosebumps to erupt over a majority of my body.

"Are you cold Lily?" A confused looking Remus asked. "You just shivered. It's not that cold in here."

"I don't know what you are talking about, Remus." I said completely straight faced. I could feel James tense up and I carefully slid my eyes to his face. His lips were pressed tightly together, trying to hold in his laughter.

Sirius, deciding to pay attention to someone other than Marlene, glanced over to James and myself.

"HAND CHECK!" He yelled loudly, grabbing the attention of the entire Great Hall.

" I do believe everyone in this room is in possession of two hands, Mr. Black." Dumbledore declared gaily from the front of the room. "Do continue eating everyone!"

* * *

_A/N I love Dumbledore! Don't you? I also love love love reviews. And since this is the THIRD CHAPTER you got today, how about it? Give me some love ;-)_

_-SarahDawn_

_P.S. Hey Beta! You were right on with the similarity you pointed out to me. ;-)  
_


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

The weeks continued to fly past at an alarming rate. Between head duties, classes and reminding James to do his homework, I didn't have much time for anything else. At the end of each day I was extremely content to sit in the common room of our dorm and curl up to James as I read and he repaired his broom or did homework.

I realized as time ticked on, I had never been as comfortable with anyone as I was with James. We fit together easily and it was a blessed relief from the previous few months. He was my best friend, he knew me better than I knew myself. And it was so easy for me to slip into a relationship with him.

I caught myself missing him when we were in different classes; the feel of his hand in mine or the constant feel of his gaze on me. He so fully filled the hole my parents had left, though the ache from their absence would continue to pulse.

Soon it was April. With no warning the grounds became green again and bird sounds, other than owls, flooded in through open windows.

"What are you thinking?" I asked James as we wandered aimlessly around the lake, hand-in-hand. A slight breeze ruffled his hair as he turned to grin at me.

"What do you think about the name Thomas?"

I stopped walking and looked at him, slightly confused.

"It is a very nice name?"

"But would you use it?" He pressed.

"Use it for what?" I asked slightly frustrated at his opaque questions.

"Your first son." James said calmly, "Or ours, rather." He corrected himself after a moment.

I blinked at him a few times.

"I…have no idea." I said after a few long moments. "I haven't really thought much about children's names."

His questions threw me off guard. Wasn't I supposed to be the one that thought about those things? Weren't girls supposed to think about baby names?

"You probably won't like my favorite name…"James said low.

"You never know." I said a bit brighter than I felt. "Tell me."

"Harry." James whispered.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up and goose bumps erupted on every inch of my skin.

"I…"

"Yeah. I didn't expect you to like it." He said sounding sad.

"No, no." I stopped him, placing my hand on his chest. "It's perfect."

And suddenly I found myself tipping backwards into the tall grass that surrounded the lake. James's face loomed about me, a gleeful look on his previously somber face.

"Nice." I deadpanned as his face got closer to mine.

"You like it." He responded, his faces so close that his lips brushed mine as he spoke.

I kissed him back, effectively ending his teasing. He responded, and soon I found myself rolling and landing on top of him.

"See?" He grinned up at me, "You do like it."

A noise rumbled from my mouth that was half-growl, half-sigh of exasperation. "Stop talking and kiss me already." I whispered, my voice embarrassingly rough. I watched as James's already dark eyes, darkened further.

"LILY!" Alice's voice called from a distance.

"Shit." I mumbled as I scrambled off of James.

"No." He grabbed my arms and pushed me to lay flat on the ground next to him. I noticed the tall grass around us and felt slightly like a spy hiding from an enemy. "Stay low."

I nodded and watched as they got closer to our hiding spot. Both Alice and Marlene, followed by Remus and Sirius.

"I've an idea." I whispered, close to James's ear. "Animagus."

"But Remus and Sirius will know." James responded.

"They won't care. Alice and Marlene would care, but they don't know. Come on. It's Friday. We'll come back later. In the morning. No one will know."

James looked at me, his eyes dark again, pupils so big they left only a small ring of brown on the outside edge of his eyes. I watched as he bit the inside of his lip, pulling the smooth flesh into his mouth. He seemed slightly worried.

"Lily!" Marlene's voice was closer and I grabbed James's hand. He nodded and we both closed our eyes.

"AH!" Marlene screamed as two stags burst out of the grass not far from where she stood.

"Oh, Merlin." Remus said softly as he caught the eyes of the male.

"Did he just wink at you?" Alice screeched as he hid behind Sirius who was laughing hysterically.

All four watched as the two rather calm animals turned and ran side-by-side into the forest.

"Of course he didn't." Remus said quickly, as Sirius continued to laugh.

"What's his problem?" Marlene asked Remus, looking disgustedly towards Sirius.

"I think we disrupted a mating ritual. Ow! Hey!" Sirius glared at Remus who was staring right back.

"Come on Alice," Marlene turned and grabbed Alice's hand, pulling her toward the castle. "Let's go back and look in their room again."

As the girls walked, Sirius smiled slyly towards Remus.

"Can we follow them?"

"No. Leave them be. Find something else to occupy your time."

Sirius grinned and loped off in the direction of the girls. "Marlene! Want to start our own mating ritual?" He called.

Remus rolled his eyes, but followed his friend toward the castle. Sirius was the Marauder that needed distraction.

_Where are we headed?_ I thought as we ran off towards the forbidden forest.

_No clue._ James responded. _This was your idea after all. Do you have any ideas?_

_The shrieking shack? _ I wondered.

_Nah, the guys will look there, well, Sirius would. Didn't you hear him laughing? It would please him to find us…_ James looked over at me shyly.

I tried to block the images that flooded his mind.

_I have an idea. _ I thought and then tried as hard as I could to not think about it and give it away. I decided to focus on a spot that would work for my plan.

_No fair! _James grumbled. _I can't keep stuff from you._

_I noticed. _I thought as I saw a replay of our foray in the grass, along with a slightly graphic thought about the effects of it on James. Not that I hadn't noticed that part already._ Please James. I'm not so sure I want to listen to that._

_Sorry. Sorry. _ And the images in his head turned to Professor McGonagall's latest lecture on transfiguration.

I rolled my eyes and then stepped into a clearing. It was a large clear space, with tall trees surrounding the outer edge.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself as human, fully clothed and soon found myself standing on two feet again. I ignored James's wondering look and moved forward with my wand drawn. I summoned a stick off of the ground.

"Engorgio." I said, watching as the small stick grew to a few feet long. I grabbed a few other sticks and enlarged them as well. I then set them up in the rough form of a tent, using a simple sticking charm to keep them together.

"What are you trying to build there?" James asked suddenly from behind me.

"Well," I paused as I let my heart calm a bit from his sudden question. "It was going to be a tent…" A tent that would probably not be large enough for what I had in mind. I suddenly was glad that he could only read my mind when we were in animagus form.

We both looked at my sad excuse for a tent. One of the large sticks fell and the entire thing collapsed in on itself. James laughed heartily as I frowned at the pile of sticks.

"Accio tent!" He managed to say between chuckles.

I stared disbelieving as a bundle of fabric zoomed into the clearing.

"How…where…what?" I mumbled.

James just smiled. "It's my dad's. I stored it in the shrieking shack for times when Remus got too hard to handle and it wasn't safe to stay in there with him."

I watched as he placed the bundle on the ground, waved his wand and a small tent appeared.

"Uh, James?" I asked, slightly confused. "How is that different from what I had already built?"

He grinned at me. "First of all, it is still standing."

I glared at him. He grabbed the small flap that served as an entrance.

"You aren't serious." I complained.

"Just go in, okay?" He groaned as I stood arms crossed outside the tent. "Magic, Remember? Just crawl in there, please?"

I huffed out a sigh and got down to my knees at the door and crawled inside.

"How in Merlin's name did you do this?" I asked wide eyed as I stared around the massive space. The interior of the tent looked more like the inside of a small house. On the back wall there was a small kitchenette, complete with a small stove. On my left was a sitting area and on my right was a small bed.

"Move away from the door, Lils. I can't get inside with you sitting there." I heard James call from outside.

"Oh! Sorry James." I said as I moved away from the entrance.

"So, what do you think?" He asked as he straightened up to a standing position.

"I think that you surprise me daily." I smiled and moved forward to peck him on the cheek. He turned his head and my lips landed not so chastely on his. We kissed for a moment before I pulled away and punched him lightly on the chest. "Hold on now. What are you expecting Mr. Potter?"

He rose one eyebrow at me. "You are the one who suggested we spend the night away from the castle, and started building a tent in the middle of nowhere, where no one else is around. You tell me."

I looked down at my hands sheepishly. I was so sure earlier that this is what I wanted. I wanted to be with him in a way that meant we would be together forever. Yet, as the opportunity stared me directly in the face, I was scared out of my mind. He had so much more experience than I did.

"Hey." James said softly, putting his hand beneath my jaw so that my eyes met his. I tried not to look frightened, but I'm sure he saw it on my face. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to. In fact, we can go back to the castle if you want."

I shook my head. "I want to be here with you. I just…"

"You just look like I asked you to jump off the top of Hogwarts." He said simply. "Come on." He led me over to the small sofa and pulled me onto his lap.

I rested my head on his shoulder. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"I'm sorry I'm such a wimp." I whispered, my face buried in his neck.

"You? A wimp? I don't think so." He said quietly. "You are probably one of the bravest women that I have ever met. This isn't as much of a big deal as you are making it."

"It is!" I pulled away and stared at him. "I love you. Why is this such a problem? No one else seems to have this problem. I'm a freak."

"You are not!" He said firmly. "You deserve something special. Not a fumble in a tent. And if that means we wait until we are out of school, married or 100 years old, that is what it means. I don't care. I love you and I won't let this ruin our relationship."

I sighed, and let my head rest on his shoulder. "You are too good to me." I kissed his neck.

He chuckled. "Right." He said sarcastically. "I'm too good for you. I don't think that is possible. I'm pretty sure that you are too good for me. But, let's not get into that. I think that fight would last the entire evening."

I remained quiet and let my body relax into his. This was right. He was right. We'd just do what felt right at the time, there was no use pushing it. I could feel my eyes getting heavy and I realized how tired I was, changing into the animagus form still sapped all my energy.

"I'm going to fall asleep." I said softly.

"Go ahead." I heard James say, and it sounded like he was miles away. I felt what I thought had to be his lips against my head. "Sweet dreams my love."

And then it was black.

"What the bloody hell?" James's exclamation woke me. I looked around the room, and my eyes fell upon a silvery outline of a phoenix in the middle of the room.

"James. Come back to the castle. There's been an accident." Dumbledore's calming voice came from the beautiful bird.

I looked up at James. He face was completely blank.

* * *

_A/N BUM BUM BUMMMMMM... You love me, dont' deny it. Even if I leave huge cliffhangers. I have a short chapter to follow this one already typed up and edited, ready to be posted. BUT! The last time I updated more than one chapter at a time, I didn't get as many reviews... and I'm a review whore... soo... Review me and the more I get, the sooner the chapter will be posted! :-D ... I just became one of those fanfic authors... meh... oh well ;-)_

_-Sarahdawn_


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

It didn't take long for James to snap out of it and we both ran as fast as we could back to the castle, completely ignoring the tent we left behind. As we ran, I wondered what could have possibly happened. I wanted to be there for him, no matter the outcome, after all, he had been there for me when I wouldn't have made it on my own.

We finally made it to the castle and threw open the heavy wooden and stone doors and continued to sprint up the castle stairs to the headmaster's office. We were forced to stop at the entrance, as the large stone statue required a password.

"What do we do now?" I asked, panting for breath.

James shrugged, looking around frantically.

"James," Dumbledore's voice called from behind us. "Follow me please."

"What about me Professor?" I asked, not wanting to be separated from James if he needed me.

"You best come with." He answered, and then turned and walked towards the hallway. We followed him throughout the castle. I wasn't really paying attention as to where we were going. I was trying to not panic, but I couldn't help but wonder why we didn't go speak with the headmaster.

"The room of requirement?" James questioned as Dumbledore came to a stop. His voice was weak, and I couldn't blame him.

A door appeared and Dumbledore motioned for us to enter. I followed James into the room, inside the room looked rather solemn. There was a large table in the middle, with a group of adults sitting around it. I recognized a few of the aurors who were present when I was told about my parents' death.

I gasped and I felt James stiffen beside me. "What is going on?" He demanded loudly, his voice echoed throughout the large room.

"Please sit down James." Dumbledore said softly, but sternly.

"NO! Tell me what the bloody hell is going on!" He screamed.

"James." Auror Moody said calmly from the table. "This explanation is going to take awhile and it will be difficult for you to handle. I suggest taking a seat."

I grabbed James's hand. He looked at me; I could see him crumbling behind the anger. "Come on James," I said softly, "Let's sit down." I pulled him over to two chairs and lightly pushed him into one of them, the entire time keeping my hand in his.

Moody cleared his throat. "I'm going to keep this simple for now. Your parents were murdered. They have been a part of this underground group called the Order of the Phoenix. We've taken it upon ourselves to stop an extremely dark wizard who calls himself Lord Voldemort. They had been on assignment to check out some dark magic for the order. We are not exactly sure what happened or when exactly. Their bodies have been taken to Saint Mungo's for examination. They don't have appeared to have suffered."

"DO YOU THINK THAT MATTERS TO ME?" James roared, jumping from his seat, ripping his hand from mine.

"Sit down James." Dumbledore said sternly from his seat. James sat. I grabbed his hand again.

"James. Getting angry won't help the matter. But, there is something you can do. The order lost two of the most important members today. They were two of the best we had." Moody said.

"What can I do?" James said immediately. I stared at him, his face held a look of pure determination. I realized that his way of coping with his parent's death was completely different from my own. He wanted revenge.

"James we have to know that you aren't completely out for revenge." A man I didn't recognize said from the other end of the table. I had never met him, but he looked strangely familiar, I realized a moment later that his eyes were the exact same shade of Dumbledore's.

"Yes. That is true. But we also desperately need help. Voldemort gains followers everyday through all forms of dark magic and it appears that the ministry disagrees with us on the danger." Dumbledore added. "We need your help James. And Lily, you as well. You two are extremely gifted. Your ability to become animagus proves that. If you agree, we'd like you to join the order and use your gifts to help us."

"You can't be serious." I whispered. "You can't be."

"Lily, I assure you we are very serious." Dumbledore replied. "We can't be absolutely sure, Lily, but we think Voldemort was a part of your parent's death as well."

I gasped slightly and slumped back into my chair. How was this possible? How could this happen to both of us?

"Lily, James, we are so sorry about your parents and we sympathize with you. But Voldemort isn't slowing and he isn't going away on his own. We wish this wasn't the case and we really do not relish the thought of bringing you young people into this, but the point of the matter is that you two have stronger magical ability than most adult wizards. We need your help." Dumbledore gazed up at us expectantly. "We realize you may need to think about it. We will be having a meeting here in a few days. You can tell us then of your decision."

I don't remember the walk back to our dorm. I don't remember changing into pajamas and I don't remember hearing James come into my room, crawling into bed with me and holding me close. I just know I woke at about ten in the morning with James's arms wrapped around me.

"James." I whispered, still facing away from him. His arms tightened around me.

"Yes?" He asked, voice hoarse.

"What are we going to do?"

"I'm going to help them." He said simply.

I turned over then, and looked directly at his face. His eyes were red, puffy and bloodshot. He didn't appear to have gotten any sleep.

" I think I am too." I replied. "For my parents." I whispered. "I have to."

"I know. Me too." I buried my face into his chest and let my tears fall. I could feel his own tears trail down the back of my neck.

* * *

_A/N I know it is a short chapter, but I felt like it ended best here. And thanks so much for all the reviews! I've been having a pretty awful few weeks looking for a job and not getting one, so people telling me I'm good at writing makes me feel so much better about myself! :-) _

_Also, I am a complete and utter failure. Last post I forgot to thank my lovely, amazing, marvelous, beautiful, intelligent beta. SO, EK you are awesome! I am so so lucky to have a wonderful person such as yourself helping me edit my story! And on top of that, you put up with me in real life and write with me and hang out with me even when I forget and show up late to our coffee/writing date! I owe you. When I get a job and have money, coffee is on me :-) Maybe cheesecake too. or a muffin. Anyway, you will pry read this in a few moments and laugh at me from across our tiny table. I told you I'd make it up to you. ;-)_

_-SarahDawn  
_


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

The hours passed slowly. I could hear the soft clicking of the clock that sat on the end table in my bedroom.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Three seconds passed.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Three more seconds passed. I was still no closer to coming to terms with what was happening in my life than I was two days ago when I first heard what Dumbledore was asking of us.

Click.

Click.

KNOCK.

"Lily?" James's voice called from the other side of the door.

"Come on Lils." Another voice called, Remus this time.

"You realize we can just break your door down, right? It'd be bloody easy." Sirius added.

I got up off my bed and shuffled to the door. "Yes?"

James took a few steps into my room and sat down on my bed. "You might want to shower. We've got that meeting with The Order tonight." He said quietly while looking at his hands.

This was not my James. This was a shell.

"Oh, Okay. Well bugger out then. Give me a moment to look presentable."

Sirius and Remus moved from the doorway to sit in the common area and James stood.

"Wait, James?" I asked quietly. He looked up at me. His eyes were bloodshot but determined. They looked hard, I couldn't tell what he was thinking, what he was feeling. "James." I whispered.

He closed his eyes for a long moment; a flash of pain broke through his mask for just a second. "I'm okay Lily." His voice was hard.

I moved towards him, and stood directly in front of him. "James, look at me." I whispered.

His eyes met mine for a fraction of a second before they looked down once again.

"James. I can't bear to see you this way. I can't!" I whispered frantically. I put both my hands on either side of his face, bringing his eyes to mine.

"What else can I do, Lils?" He whispered softly. "I've got to do what I can. I've got to try."

I studied his face. "This isn't about revenge? You aren't going to leave me because you have to defeat him?" I whispered my fears to him.

He blinked, looking surprised. Grabbing my hands that were still on his face, he pulled them to his chest, resting them right above his beating heart. "You are the reason that I want to stay alive. You."

"Promise you won't leave me." I whispered frantically.

James shook his head. "I can't promise that. But, I'll do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. But I have to try to defeat him."

I took a deep breath. "I'm going with you then. If you have to do this, I have to do this. We'll do it together."

He smiled softly. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He kissed me soundly. "Now go get ready. We've only got an hour 'till the meeting."

"Indeed it is an auspicious thing to be asked to join The Order." Dumbledore said grandly from the end of the table in the room of requirement. All of the people who were here a few days ago were present. They were all seated around the table when James and I had entered the room. Beyond Dumbledore, Moody, McGonagall and the man who I had already guessed to be his brother, Alberforth, we were introduced to Rebus Hagrid, a half-giant who had gone to school with Voldemort and now worked the grounds at Hogwarts, Elphias Dodge, an old school-mate of Dumbledore's, Arabella Fig, a squib that I wasn't sure was any use to the Order, and Fabian and Gideon Prewett, the brothers to Molly Prewett Weasley, a woman who had been in her last year at Hogwarts when James and I started school.

"The Order has decided to open an invitation to a select group of students in their last year here at Hogwarts. We believe that it would be most helpful to have members who have a new perspective and are fresh from school."

I looked around the table, it quite the sight to see so many students from so many different houses all brought together to defeat Voldemort. Beyond James and myself, there was Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice and Frank and Marlene. The rest were familiar, as most students were to the Head Girl, but I hadn't spent much time with them.

Seated directly across from me was Edgar Bones, seated next to him was his best friend Caradoc Dearborn. They were both in Ravenclaw and I knew they were two of the most intellectually gifted students in this room. Next to them were a few Hufflepuffs, Dedalus Diggle, Sturgis Podmore and Benjy Fenwick. I knew they were all on their house quidditch teams but knew nothing of them beyond that. Next to them was a group of Slytherins, and I was immediately confused by their presence. It was widely known that Slytherin house produced many dark wizards, so I didn't know why Mundungus Fletcher, Dorcas Meadowes, and Sturgis Podmore were even asked to join. Sitting on the end by herself and looking rather confused as to why she was she was here was Ravenclaw Emmeline Vance.

"Now, classes are wrapping up and you'll all be out in the world starting families and finding occupations. We want you to do so. I know that a few of you are looking towards Ministry jobs and we're not asking you to spy specifically, just keep an eye out for suspicious things. Others of you may have the means to not have a job right away," Dumbledore glanced towards James. It was a quick look, and then he continued. "We can use you to keep an eye on people we suspect to be working for him."

I glanced around the room. The eyes of my classmates were mostly excited. They wanted to be part of this big adventure. They had no idea how dangerous this could be. I wasn't sure, but I doubted any of them had lost like James and I had. They didn't have our reason to join up, yet they wanted to be part of this. I took a deep breath and stared at my hands. They were shaking. I couldn't keep my breathing even. My breaths came out in short gasps.

"Lily?" James whispered, trying to keep his voice low as Dumbledore continued talking. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head and continued to stare at my hands. Decisions. I hated making decisions. My mother had always gone on about how the decisions we made had a huge affect on the world we lived. On our lives. Could I decide to keep my life normal? Simple. Could I decide to ignore that there was a dark wizard trying to take over the world as we knew it?

No.

But I couldn't decide to fight him either. I couldn't rip my life apart at the seams. I wanted to have a normal life. Get married to James. Have a bunch of babies and live in a cute little house with shutters and flowers and not have to worry that a dark wizard was going to brutally kill us all. I wanted my children to grow up safe, and not have to face decisions like I had. Simple. I wanted my life to be simple.

"You have to be brave Lily." James whispered.

I passed having a simple, normal life long ago.

I raised my head, and took a deep breath.

"If you have decided you want to join The Order, sign this piece of parchment. All we require is you not speak of this to others around you. After everyone signs we'll take a quick photo."

Dumbledore set the parchment in front of me first.

"Lily. You do not have to sign this. And if you do, I cannot promise that you will be safe. But Lily, we need you." I looked up into the clear blue eyes of Dumbledore, took a deep breath and picked up the pen.

* * *

_A/N Wow. It has been a crazy night and therefore I decided to be nice to you people and post even if this chapter is very short. It's full of drama and stuff so you'll get over it. :-) thanks to my beta babe. ;-) She's a hottie. Love her to death. _

_P.S. I have no set writing schedule. I write when I feel like I have a good grasp of continuing the story. It's all about quality work for you to read. Sorry if it takes a while between chapters. I promise to not stop and take another 6 month break though. ;-)_

_-SarahDawn  
_


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

6 months later

"What did you find out?" Sirius asked James as we walked into the familiar room. The small house was home to Sirius, Remus, Peter and James uncomfortably. It had two bedrooms and the guys were always complaining about whose turn it was to clean or buy groceries. Yet, it was still bigger than the hole that I shared with Alice and Marlene.

"Nothing." I replied as James cast a few protective charms, just to be safe.

"There wasn't anyone there!" James frowned; he didn't like our missions to be simple. Dumbledore had asked us to check out an abandoned estate just north of London. Evidently, an elderly muggle had continuously called the police to check for intruders. I wasn't sure how Dumbledore got his information and I had no idea how he figured an elderly muggle would have any connection to Voldemort.

"Bloody hell! We don't seem to be getting anywhere!" Sirius complained. "I wish I was out there!" He kicked the wall viciously and left a gaping whole in the drywall.

"Sirius!" James yelled as he waved his wand in the general direction of the hole."You know Dumbledore just wants to keep you safe."

Sirius rolled his eyes and stormed off into their room and slammed the door.

Sirius had rarely talked about his parents, and I knew they were pure bloods but I wasn't sure of how bad it was until Sirius came stumbling into the house two months ago, barely alive. He had been sent on a solo mission and was captured by none other than his own brother, Regulus, who we now knew was an actual death eater. With information gathered by a few others from the Order, Dumbledore decided that it wasn't safe for Sirius to be out. Sirius didn't do too well cooped up in this house.

James rolled his eyes and slumped onto the couch. I sat next to him, suddenly feeling exhausted. I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes. I let the constant sound of his heartbeat lull me to sleep.

"James?" I yelled as I poked my head in the door of the guy's house. It was dark, which was unusual as there was always someone home. "Sirius?" I called louder as I closed the door behind me. "Remus? Peter?" All that answered was my own voice echoed in the short hallway.

"Who the bloody hell is yelling?" A slurred voice called from a back room.

I walked slowly towards the source of the unfamiliar voice. It sounded like whoever was back there had a bit too much firewhiskey. As I rounded the corner into Sirius's room I noticed there were no lights on in here either.

"Lumos." I said quietly as I glanced around the extremely dirty room. There were pieces of rubbish everywhere and old dishes with the remains of what I assumed was food at one point. Sirius was slumped on the ground, leaning up against the bottom of the bed. There were empty bottles scattered about.

"Sirius? What the bloody hell are you doing? How much have you drank?" I demanded as I glanced around the room. "And why the bloody hell are there no lights on? Did you guys forget to pay your electric bill again?"

Sirius looked up at me, his head lolled slightly to the side and I noticed that his eyes were bloodshot. I also noticed a foul smell that I was pretty sure was coming from Sirius.

"The rest of them are out. They left me again." Sirius replied as he tried to stand up. I rushed forward to grab his arm and steadied him as he started to tip over.

"Sirius!" I shouted.

"Hey!" He pulled away from me. "No yelling." And then he fell back onto his bed. "I like my bed." He mumbled before he passed out.

I stared at him for a moment before I snapped into action. I cast a not-so-kind cleaning charm over Sirius's body and continued about removing the debris from his room. After scouring his room to the point that I was sure it had never been before, I moved to the rest of the tiny house.

The tiny living room and kitchen were not quite as bad as Sirius's room. As I set the dishes to washing themselves and the broom to sweeping the floor. I had to summon the broom from my own place as they guys seemed to not own one meant for cleaning. I checked James's room. The normally un-tidy room was uncommonly clean for James. I wandered in and looked around, I couldn't help my curiosity.

There were a small stack of books near the un-made bed. I wandered over and flipped through the titles. They were mostly books on dark arts, and I shuddered as I saw the effects of some the spells played out for me in the pictures. I set the book down and wandered over to his desk. There were a few papers spread out over the desk and I straightened them out of habit. As my fingers sorted the pages, they found a small object among them. As my fingers wrapped around a small, dark blue velvet covered box I heard the front door open.

I slammed the box back onto the desk and scattered the papers back across the top. Calmly, I wandered out of James's room and back into the hallway. James and Remus were pointing their wands cautiously at the broom that was sweeping their kitchen. Peter was standing behind them trembling a bit.

"It's just a broom." I tried to say nonchalantly, and only succeeded in making my voice sound slightly strangled.

James looked at me suspiciously, one eyebrow raised. "Are you okay? You look a little strange."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. Just found Sirius sloshed and completely surrounded in rubbish. And your kitchen wasn't much better."

"Ah. Yes well, as you see," James held up a new broom. "We three went out in search for a broom with which to clean. As it turns out, racing brooms don't do so well as cleaning brooms."

I shook my head, trying to keep all thoughts of the little blue box out of my head. "What about the lights?" I asked curiously.

"Oh? Will they not turn on?" Remus asked, flicking the light switch on the wall with no result.

"I think the bill is on my desk." James responded.

At the mention of his desk, I felt my face flush. The blue box. On his desk. The blue box on his desk under those papers. The blue box on his desk under those papers that held… I wouldn't let my self think of what it could possibly hold.

"Are you okay Lily?" Remus asked curiously. James had already started wandering off towards his room.

"It's warm in here." I blurted out, unable to control the shake in my voice. "And you don't have a mop. I'm going to go get a mop. To clean the floor. You need a mop." I shoved past Remus who had started laughing.

I turned to stare at him as he held up and object in his hand. "Like this?"

My eyes widened. "You need… Cleaning solution!"

I turned and stormed for the door, hoping to Merlin that there wasn't any in the house. "What did you find, Lily?" Remus called after me, chuckling.

"Where did she go?" I heard James call as I turned on the spot and apparated.

After a few hours of wandering around Diagon Ally and trying to sort out my thoughts I finally returned home.

"Alice? Marlene?" I called, hoping that at least one of my roommates was around so that I could figure out what in the world was going on in my head.

I walked slowly into the front room and flipped on the light. My eyes went directly to the coffee table, where placed directly in the middle was a small, dark blue , velvet covered box.

"I didn't know when to ask you. Or how. I wanted it to be special and memorable. I wanted it to be this huge, elaborate deal that you would remember for the rest of your life." James said from behind me.

I swallowed hard as my eyes flickered between James's face and that damn blue box on the table.

" I didn't mean to.. I was just cleaning up. And I went into your room and the papers were messy and I went to straighten them and it was there and then you came home and I didn't… I was…I…" I stuttered, my breathing had become erratic and I had to stop talking before I hyperventilated. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I tried to hide them by shoving them into the pockets of my jumper but that just made the entire thing tremble.

James stepped towards me and wrapped his arms around my trembling figure. "Lily. Lily. Calm down. Breathe."

I closed my eyes and my body immediately relaxed into his touch. My breathing slowed and I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Sorry." I squeaked into his chest.

James pulled back and his face was like I had never seen it before. It was a combination of amusement, love and a tiny bit of fear. "Lily." He reached behind and plucked the small box off of the table. "I've had this box and the ring inside of it for months. I've known I wanted you for much longer than that. I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to discover how perfectly you were made for me."

My breath stopped short as he opened the tiny box between us. Nestled between white satin was a small silver ring. The stone was the most beautiful emerald and it was surrounded by a beautifully intricate silver design.

"I saw this and knew immediately it was for you. It was the closest I could find to your eyes. It is rather dull in comparison, but as long as this is on your finger, I can just stare at your eyes anyway."

I gazed up from the ring into James's eyes. I could feel all the fear and nerves completely melt away and all that remained was my love for James.

"So wear it? Be mine?" James whispered as he pulled the ring from the little box and held it between us.

I locked my gaze with him. There was no doubt in my mind.

"As long as there is breath in my body, I will be yours."

* * *

**_a/n Hi! I just posted a link to a picture of Lily's ring on my profile. There is crap-ton of symbolism to it, starting with the sign of the trinity on both sides which I think fits the family dynamic of Lily/James/Harry quite well. And the obvious one with the color of the stone. Well, anyway I think that because of how my brain is working lately we will have two more chapters. No begging for more, the way this is set up obviously cancels that out! And if you want more just go read the other stories I wrote. ;-)_**

**_-SarahDawn_**

**_P.S. Thanks to Beta EK! :-) Love ya dear~!  
_**


	18. Chapter 17

**_Chapter 17_**

"It's called Godric's Hallow." James told me as we apparated together to a small field outside of a small town. "It's a one of the all magical villages. Dumbledore grew up here and told me it would be a good place to raise a family." James's voice grew softer as he spoke. I was sure he was trying to bring up our conversation about family again, but this time without an all-out fight. James and I were both aware that raising a family during a time where there was a dark wizard on the lose killing everything in sight was a bad idea. But James seemed to think we were up to the task. I did not.

"James…" I sighed. "I'm not having this discussion again."

"Fine. Fine!" He raised his hands in agitation. I watched him take a deep breath and then he took my hand. "Come see the house."

I followed him into the small town, knowing that this conversation was far from over. I tried to keep my mind open as we walked down the main section of town. There were little shops selling things from sweets to robes and potions supplies. Witches and wizards waved pleasantly as we walked by. This was a far cry from the bustling streets of London, and I found myself waving back.

"See?" James said as he nudged my shoulder with his as he waved a plump witch as we passed. "Isn't this place great?"

I nodded. "It does look almost perfect. It's like nothing bad could ever happen here."

"The house is just down this street." James said as we turned off the main street and on to one that had tiny little houses nestled between trees and shrubs.

We walked in silence a bit until James suddenly stopped in front of a quaint two-story brick house. "This one."

"Can we see inside? Or do we need to call someone to view it. I don't want to cause any problems with the owner." I said, wishing to see the adorable house. It really looked perfect from the outside.

"Hmm… Let me see if I can get a hold of the owner."James said mischievously, he turned to look at me. "How do you feel about going inside?"

I raised my eyebrows and stared at him for a moment before it dawned on me. "You bought it already?"

James smiled and pulled a key from his front pocket. "Yup. I knew the moment I saw it that you would love it. So I just bought it. Most of my things will be moved in this week. You can join me after the wedding, whenever that is."

He turned and pulled me towards the door of the little house. I stopped on the sidewalk and stared at him. "You bought a house without talking to me about it?" I said, my voice a bit strained. This was not how a relationship worked. He couldn't just go off and buy a house and expect me to be okay with it.

James turned and looked at me. He frowned. "You don't like it?"

"No, I love it." I replied.

"Well, what is the problem? I mean, I love it. You love it. I don't get it."

"You have to talk to me about these things James! You can't just go ahead and buy a house without talking to me about it first! What if I hated it?" I all but screamed at him.

James shrugged. "I know you well enough to know that you would love it. I figured that would be enough."

I rolled my eyes. "You have to talk to me about it first, James!"

James dropped my hand and then put his hands on either side of my face. He brought his face within an inch of mine. "I'm sorry, Love. I didn't realize it would was that big of a deal. I will talk to you about big things like this next time." Then he pressed his lips quickly to mine, turned and unlocked the door.

I sighed, but didn't say anything as I followed him into the house. The house was quaint, with the walls all painted in earthy colors. The front door led directly into the living room and I could see into the kitchen, which was a bit down a small hallway. There was a set of stairs next to the hallway which I assumed led up to the bedrooms.

"It has two-bedrooms. One for us and one…" He paused a moment, "And one for our guests. There's also a washroom up there too."

James continued to wander in and out of all the rooms as I trailed behind him, trying to remember all the facts that he spewed out as we moved about. It was slightly strange to peer into the extra bedroom. My mind immediately filled the space with a crib and changing table. I tried to shake the image out of my head. It just wasn't safe to have a child right now.

After a while, we apparated back to my flat in London. We sat on the couch in a strained silence for a bit before James sighed loudly.

"So," He started rather loudly. "This wedding thing. When are we going to do it?"

I raised my eyebrow. "Interesting wording there James."

He blushed pink but tried to play it off by rolling his eyes. "That is not what I meant and you know it."

I laughed and patted his hand. "I know. I just like teasing you. I'm not sure. It's not like we have any family to worry about. I'm up for a small ceremony with just a few people. We could even just go into the ministry without telling anyone at all." I mused.

"Yes, that would be grand idea. Can you imagine what your roommates would say if we showed up after. Hey! By the way, we're married. Just thought you would like to know!" James tried to mimic my voice, but it just sounded like he had something caught in this throat.

I glared playfully at him. "Yes. That is true. But can you imagine what kind of wedding they would prefer for us? I'd be in an atrociously large white puffy dress and you'd be in formal dress robes. There'd be flowers everywhere, pink bridesmaid dresses with puffy sleeves and an insane amount of people there just for the free food and booze."

James looked positively frightened and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like. "Sweet Merlin."

I put my hand under his chin and brought his eyes to mine. "I just want to marry you. I don't want a huge party. I don't want a big deal where we spend Gallons to make everyone else happy."

He smiled at me. "The Ministry it is."

I grinned back. "Tomorrow sound good?"

He frowned slightly. "I think I might be able to squeeze it in. I mean, there is a whole bunch of things I have to get done beforehand."

I just stared at him for a moment. "What?"

The grin inched back onto his face. "I'm just kidding. Of course we can do it tomorrow!"

I couldn't help myself. I sprung from my seat on the couch and landed on top of James. I kissed him hungrily.

"Uh... Lily?" James tried to mumble between my fervent kisses.

I moved my lips to his neck and trailed kisses from his lips to his ear. "Yes?" I whispered.

"You might just want to back off until tomorrow. I only have so much self-control." He said softly, his voice a bit strained.

I giggled in his ear. Then I pressed my lips against his once more and walked back into my room.

"Wait!" He called after me. "Where are you going?"

"I've got to grab my bag. It seems I'm in need of a white dress."

* * *

_A/N So... My beta thinks I should add a bunch more chapters before I end this. And I was planning to end it after this chapter... but you know what... maybe not. So... We'll see how this goes. I'm changing up my plan. So I'm going to detail out some things that I might have just planned to mention. *Sigh* It could end horribly. But you guys love me right?_

_-SarahDawn_


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

I tried to duck into the dress shop before they saw me, but I was unsuccessful.

"LILY EVANS!" Two voices screeched as I shut the door behind me. The man dressed in a tailored suit behind the counter glared at me over the top of his rectangular glasses, as if to remind me that this was a classy store and that I did not belong here.

"Can I help you?" He asked in a snobbish tone like he didn't care whether I needed help or not.

"I.." I started to talk but the door swung open and Marlene and Alice barged into the shop before I could finish.

"Lily! You're engaged!" The screamed together, grabbing both my arms and jumping up and down like a bunch of first year girls.

I smiled at them. "Yes I am."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Alice asked, changing from happy to furious in seconds, before Marlene cut in.

"Why didn't you ask us to help you find a dress?"

I took a deep breath. "How did you two find out?" It had only been a week since James had asked and we had kept it to ourselves. It wasn't that we didn't want anyone to know, it was just that we knew they would want to make it a huge event and we just wanted to be married. It had been relatively easy. We three all had different obligations and jobs on top of our work for The Order and I wasn't often home at the same time that they were.

"Oh my merlin! It's beautiful!" Alice gushed as she grabbed my hand and gazed longingly at my hand.

"It is perfect for you. James did well." Marlene said as she grabbed my hand away from Alice.

"If only Frank would just do it already." Alice sighed.

"You could ask him, you know!" Marlene responded. "Take charge!"

"Oh yes, like you are with Sirius." Alice said back loudly, one eyebrow raised.

"Shut up!" Marlene snarled.

"HOLD ON." I yelled over the top of the bickering.

"Ahem." The man at the counter cleared his throat and caught the attention of us three. We all turned to look at him, my hand still being held aloft between Alice and Marlene. "Are you looking for a dress or are you in here to catch up on the latest gossip? The street works for the latter you know." His voice was dripping with distain.

I snatched my hand away from the girls and straightened up. "I'm looking for a white dress. Knee length. Something classy. Cost isn't an issue." I turned to look at Alice and Marlene, thinking quickly on my feet. They might as well be with us when it happened. Perhaps the Ministry wasn't the best place. Just a few people, I could handle that, right?

"They need dresses as well. Something classy as well. But if you don't want our business..." I trailed off as I looked towards the door.

"No. No. No." The man said quickly in a much more friendly voice. He walked smoothly over to us and took my left hand. "That is quite a beautiful ring. And you are getting married! How lovely. I have quite a few dresses that would be perfect for that. Not as traditional as the full gown, correct?" He gushed, obviously aware that he would lose the sale if he wasn't careful.

I grinned behind his back to Alice and Marlene whose mouths were hanging open.

"Ready Darlings?" I drawled dramatically.

"So let me get this straight." James said slowly, as if he wasn't sure that I was completely sane. "You want a wedding now? Like with people there and everything?"

I patted his hand. "I want a small ceremony with Alice and Frank, Marlene, Sirius, Remus and Peter. I just want our close friends there. I already bought dresses for Alice and Marlene today." I said with a smile.

James squinted at me. "What is going on? Last l knew, a few hours ago you just wanted it to be us. What changed?"

I sighed. "I ran into Alice and Marlene as I went into the dress shop. Someone…" I glared at him playfully, "told them we had gotten engaged and they were a bit upset that I hadn't told them yet. And they started arguing about Sirius and I just decided that we had to include them. And then I thought that we'd have to include the Maruaders as well and Frank."

"Ooops." James mumbled.

"What was that, dear?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well, I may have told Alice and Marlene on accident. They were in the Ministry for something and I was in there getting the paperwork all filled out so we could get married and they saw it and grabbed it from my hand and freaked out. Then they demanded I tell them where you were and I really had no choice." He looked down at his hands sheepishly.

"So…you're not afraid to go on constant missions to spy on Voldemort, not afraid to hang out with a werewolf when he's all angry and could kill you, but if two women ask you a simple question you spill the beans?" I tried to keep my face straight, it was too funny.

"I didn't mean to! You don't know what they were like!" James sputtered.

At that point I couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing. It was too funny.

"What? What!" James demanded.

"I'm sorry." I tried to say in between laughs. "You're such a wimp. But it is okay. I didn't know what I was talking about before. I really truly want them there. Plus, they didn't go as overboard with the whole big wedding thing like I thought they would."

James looked up and his face wasn't as guilty as it had just been. He smiled at me and ducked his head to kiss my lips quickly. I quickly hooked my arms around his neck and kissed him back. His arms wrapped around my waist and I let my mind go blank for a while.

_Two weeks later_

"You may kiss your bride." The short officiate said with a slight smile on his face.

I grinned at James. There wasn't anything that I could say at this very moment that could adequately describe what I was feeling. I felt like I hadn't stopped smiling since the ceremony began and even if my cheeks ached tomorrow morning, it would be worth it.

James's smile matched mine and he exuberantly grabbed my waist and dipped my body down before urgently pressing his lips to mine. For a moment, everything else melted away. There was no dark lord, there was no war and James and I's future was simple in our beautiful house.

"Aaaaa-hemmmmm" Sirius loudly cleared his throat.

James pulled his face slightly away from mine and whispered, "I'll finish that later." Then he winked and set me back up on my feet, blushing bright red.

Deciding that he shouldn't be the only one having fun, I lowered my hand behind him and pinched his bum sharply, making him jump. He grinned devilishly at me and I winked back.

"Merlin, Can't you two wait a few hours before you jump each other and start making fawns?" Sirius complained.

"Don't be jealous." I said calmly. "You'll find someone soon."

"Or you could just look left." Marlene said from his left. The entire room went quiet for a moment. I glanced at the faces of our friends, Alice, Frank, Peter and Remus and saw a variety of faces from surprise to mirth.

"Finally!" Sirius exclaimed before grabbing Marlene and kissing her.

The entire room erupted in applause, but it was short lived as a sudden blast of green exploded on the wall directly above James and myself. The only reason it missed us was James's quick thinking as he had pulled me to the ground before the spell could hit. Before I could really gain a knowledge of what was happening James had apparated us into our little home.

"What the bloody hell!" I yelled. "We have to go back! We have to make sure that everyone is safe!" I paced back and forth in front of a suddenly still James. "What?"

He looked up at me, sudden sadness overwhelming his face. "We really can't start a family until this is all over."

I took a deep breath. "I really want to James, but it really just isn't safe."

A sudden appearance of a silvery patronus in the shape of a dog halted our conversation. "Everyone is safe. Stay where you are. Meet at the Hog's Head in an hour."

I watched as the dog slowly disappeared from the living room. There were still boxes scattered everywhere. My belongings, James's belongings, not yet unpacked. I gazed down at my white dress, there was a red stain spreading across the skirt and I noticed for the first time the gash on my right arm. I must have banged it hard on the floor when James pulled me down. I silently lifted my arm, showing James the gash.

"Lily." He whispered, wrapping his arms around me. "What would I do if I lost you?"

I pulled away and gazed at him. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

We walked slowly towards the Hog's Head bar underneath the protective shield of James's invisibility cloak. Just in case, we had cast a disillusionment charm on our feet, the cloak wasn't really big enough for the both of us. I was glad for the invisibility, whoever came after us at our wedding wasn't joking around as the green sparks obviously proved. There wasn't any other spell that made that color sparks, they were aiming to kill.

We slowly entered the bar and I looked around for any sign of life in the bar. The barman, Aberforth, was behind the counter wiping down some rather dusty looking glasses.

"I think we are safe now." James whispered so quietly that I was barely able to hear it. I felt the cloak slip off of me and James removed the spell from our feet.

Aberforth didn't look too surprised to see us appear out of nowhere he just nodded and set down the glass he was cleaning.

"Sirius is upstairs. First door on the left."

James nodded and grabbed my hand and we walked up the narrow staircase. James entered the room first and I followed after quickly, shutting and locking the door before I looked around. Sirius was seated at a small table and at first glance he looked fine. But, when I got closer I could tell that he wasn't just fine. His left eye was already a dark purple and there was a cut right under his eye that he had yet to heal. There was blood all over his clothing and I assumed since he was sitting there, it wasn't his own.

"What happened Sirius? What is going on? Is everyone okay?" I blurted out as I rushed over to him.

He rolled his eyes. "Calm down Lily. Sit. I'll tell you everything."

James pulled my hand towards the chair and I quickly sat down next to him at the table.

"So, what happened?" James asked, his voice a bit calmer than mine had been.

"It was Death Eaters. We aren't sure who let them know you were getting married, but it is safe to say that it so no longer a secret to them who is in the Order. We killed two of them; a few of us were injured but nothing major. Marlene's arm was broken but they were able to heal that right away. There were five Death Eaters, so three got away. I recognized only one of them because Alice shot her right in the face and her mask was thrown off. Bellatrix LeStrange. She wasn't too happy about that either, she's got some nasty cuts." He finished quietly and looked at us with a sad expression. "There has to be a double agent in the Order. That is the only way to explain this!" His voice had gotten louder and more passionate.

"No." James said firmly.

"James, you can't…" Sirius started but James cut him off.

"No. I can. We have to trust each other. This is exactly what they want. They want us to doubt each other and be suspicious. We didn't try to hide the fact that we were getting married today. We went to the ministry and got the paperwork, Lily was dress shopping, there are plenty of ways that they could have found out. I refuse to blame anyone in the Order for this." James leaned back in his chair. "What are we going to do about it?" He asked after a short pause.

Sirius looked at me and then back at James. "You two are going to go home, or wherever you were planning on going tonight before this whole thing started. You are going to forget what's happening for the next 48 hours. Then, you can come help. But for now, go enjoy yourselves." He winked and stood up from the table.

"You can't possibly think that we can just go home and forget this!" I yelled, jumping out of my seat and pounding my fist on the table.

"That is exactly what you are going to do." Sirius responded calmly. "Good luck mate." He winked.

James chuckled and stood up as well. Then Sirius looked at me, he tilted his head as if trying to decide something. I was positive that I did not want to know what he was thinking at that moment.

"You know what James?" He asked, "I think you will have your hands full with this one."

I glared at Sirius for a moment and then I punched him in the nose. I quickly grabbed my wand and healed it before he could be in too much pain. I healed the cut under his eye as well.

"Lily." James said in a fake chiding voice. "That wasn't very nice." He struggled to keep a straight face. I looked up at him with an incredulous expression.

"He's lucky that I didn't kick him in the junk."

Sirius was still rubbing his nose as he glared at me. "Fine. I might have deserved that. I'm leaving before you can change your mind about the junk part, Marlene's waiting for me anyway."

And with that he turned on the spot and apparated.

I felt James's hand on my waist, pulling my back flush with him. I felt his nose nuzzle in the hair above my ear and a shiver went down my spine. The annoyance, fear, and anger that I had felt earlier immediately vanished as a completely other kind of emotion took a hold of my senses.

"Hmmm…" he whispered. "Think you can put this stuff out of your mind for a bit?" He bit my ear lightly before continuing. "I have a wife I want to make love to."

I turned and faced him, letting his arms wrap around me and pulling me against his chest. "For you… anything." I whispered before I apparated us straight into our bed.

* * *

_A/N So... *ahem* Use your imagination. ;-) Much love to the beta, gotta hope her job gets easier every chapter :-p Also, if you want to see what the dresses sort of look like- _

.?DeptID=64336&CatID=64336&Grptyp=SIZ&ItemId=1822b3e&cm_mmc=ShoppingFeed-_-Google-_-Women-_-Women%20s%20Jessica%20Howard%20V%20Neck%20Ruched%20Waist%20Dress%20Ivory%20%20Ivory%20White

.com/listing/32913666/1970s-palest-blue-sundress

_Also, you're welcome for the long chapter :-) Review?_

_-Sarah Dawn  
_


	20. Chapter 19

Warning. This is sad.

**Chapter 19**

_4 Months Later_

"James!" I yelled frantically from the bathroom in our tiny house.

This wasn't really happening. It wasn't. There was no way this was happening. We had taken every precaution possible to ensure that something like this would never happen.

"What? What?" He yelled as he skidded to a stop outside the door. His eyes bugged out of his head in an almost comical way. I would have laughed had this been a laughing matter.

I stood in the doorway of the bathroom with a gold ring of light encircling my torso. The spell I had looked up earlier in the day had promised a gold ring meant…

"I'm pregnant." I said slowly.

James rushed forwards and pulled me into a hug. It wasn't one of extreme elation, it was one of comfort. He knew me so well.

"It will be okay. We will just have to be very careful. Extra protection around the house and we'll have to stop the spy missions, there has to be something else we can do for the Order for now." James's voice was soothing and calm. I let myself just sink into his arms. He carefully hooked one arm behind my knees and pulled me up into his arms and carried me over to the sofa in our tiny living room.

"It will be fine Lily." James whispered before laying me on the sofa and curling up behind me. We laid in silence for a while as I thought about what was happening. This was dangerous, we were constantly in danger and there was no foreseeable end to Voldemort right now. But who knew if there would ever be a safe time for us to have a child? And it didn't even matter at this point, I would never dream about ending the pregnancy. I'd rather give my own life to protect this new one. There was no use fretting over something that I wouldn't change.

"James?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, Love?"

"I'm glad." I whispered. "I'm glad this happened. I want a child. I want a family."

I could feel James exhale. "Me too, Lily. Me too."

We decided that day not to tell anyone for a while. It wasn't that we were ashamed or anything, it was more that we wanted to try as hard as we could to avoid putting our lives in danger. We still hadn't figured out why Voldemort's followers had shown up at our wedding but we knew that he wasn't the type to give up too easily.

There was one person we had to tell and that was Dumbledore. He was the unnamed leader of the Order really, and we knew that he would be the first to help us keep our new little life safe. His suggestion of a few more spells around our home, and the end of my spy work for the Order was simple enough, but that didn't mean I wasn't upset with my inability to be helpful. James assured me that my support was enough, but I wasn't sure. I spent a lot of time making extra food for the rest of the Marauders and cleaning up their house whenever I got the chance. I was also getting great at healing charms and potions, something that was handy whenever Sirius or Remus came up ripped to shreds.

It was about four months into my pregnancy when Alice owled me to meet up for coffee with her and Marlene. We had been in contact but we three were always busy with other things to keep up a regular time to meet and chat. I knew that Marlene and Sirius were getting serious about their relationship and spent as much time together as they could. Alice and Frank were also constantly together and I wondered when they would announce their engagement.

"I have something to share with you two." Alice said calmly. Alice, Marlene and I were seated in a quiet café in Diagon Ally. It was a quaint little shop with a small witch rushing around the place dusting the already clean tables. There were only a few other patrons seated in the café, a couple of dark haired witches in a corner and a cute young couple a few tables from ours.

"Are you engaged?" Marlene asked from across the table. I turned my head and tried to see Alice's hand from my seat next to her in our booth.

"Nope!" Her grin widened but she said nothing.

"What is it Alice?" I begged, my patience was short, a problem enhanced by my pregnancy I was sure.

She looked up at us beaming a smile brighter than I had ever seen before. I was sure I knew what the next words out of her mouth were going to be…

"I'm pregnant!" She yelled gleefully.

"That's not possible…" I started, completely baffled that this was happening. I looked over to Marlene and she was bouncing in her seat, she was so excited.

Alice expression completely changed from glee to anger. "Don't you dare judge me, Lily Potter! Just because you waited to have sex until you and James were married does not mean that everyone else in this world does! And we're talking about marriage now. Just not yet."

" No, no, no. That is NOT what I was talking about." I said loudly, grabbing her hands. I took a deep breath and looked directly into her eye. "It's just that I'm four months pregnant."

The resounding squeal from Alice and Marlene was deafening. I found myself almost tackled by both of them. It was difficult to keep myself in check and not start squealing myself.

"Hey! Quiet down a bit, will you?" I teased. Well, it was partially teasing. We were still keeping the pregnancy from most people. I glanced around to see that the dark-haired women in the corner were glancing in our direction. My immediate reaction was to leave, but I tried to convince myself that I was just being paranoid. We were being loud, who wouldn't look.

"I'm sorry! This is just so perfect! I'm four months along as well! We're going to have our babies around the same time!" She grinned. "July is going to be the best month ever!"

We chatted for a while about our pregnancies so far and baby things before I realized that Marlene was getting sort of quiet. I decided even if she was excited for us, this conversation was leaving her out and I was curious about her relationship with Sirius.

"Marlene! How is Sirius?" I said suddenly, not even trying to find a good segue into the conversation.

She blushed a bit, which was odd. "I'm happy."

"Annnddd…..?" Alice asked.

"And I…"Marlene paused as a smile inched on to her face. She appeared lost in thought. Suddenly she sighed and looked at Alice and I. "I've never been happier. He's still Sirius and he still is crude and immature most of the time, but he's so caring. He sends me flowers. Almost daily there is a new arrangement on my table. He's always thinking about how to make me happier and is probably one of the most selfless people I've ever known." Her voice had grown extremely soft.

"And how's the sex?" Alice asked completely straight faced. It was like she was asking about the weather or where Marlene had gotten her sweater.

Marlene looked up at her from under her lashes. I could see the blush spreading across her face and Alice chuckled.

"Yes. Is the famous Sirius Black as good as the rumors said he was?" Alice said knowingly.

"I will not kiss and tell." Marlene stated firmly. But the she winked, "But he ain't horrible."

We all three burst out laughing. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it was almost six.

"Oh wow, James is going to be here soon to take me home." I mentioned.

"Merlin, the time went fast." Alice agreed. "Frank's stopping by to get me soon too." She rolled her eyes. "He's being so overprotective of me since we found out. I can barely go to the bathroom without him banging on the door to ask if I am okay and need help. Yes, honey I need help peeing! Please, do come in!" She said sarcastically.

We all three laughed again and I saw movement over Marlene's shoulder. Frank, Sirius and James walked in the door. All three put their finger to their lips, obviously Sirius wanted to surprise Marlene, the only one who hadn't seem them come in.

Sirius walked up behind Marlene, bent down and pressed his lips to her neck. I watched as her eyes fluttered softly back into her head as she relaxed against her chair.

"Hello love." He whispered into her ear.

"Hey." She whispered back.

I looked over to Alice shocked. She looked shocked as well but shrugged. Frank walked quickly behind her and rubber her shoulders lightly. "Ready dear?" He asked.

"Let me say goodbye quick." She craned her neck and he leaned down to let her peck him on the cheek.

James was standing next to my chair but he wasn't paying any attention to our conversation. His hands were grasping the table so hard that his knuckles were turning white. I looked up to see him glaring at the two dark-haired women in the corner.

"James?" I asked right as the two women stood. I watched in slow motion as the taller one brought her wand out from her black cloak. She was vaguely familiar and in the moments it took for her to remove her wand, I realized who it was. Bellatrix LeStrange.

The next few moments were a blur, as James struggled to pull his wand from his pocket Marlene launched herself from her seat. Just as she did so, Bellatrix cast her spell towards Alice. Green sparks erupted from her wand and hit Marlene who crumpled to the floor.

James and Frank stood and ran towards them casting their spells trying to stun her as she and her companion apparated quickly from the café.

My eyes never left Marlene's crumpled body. I watched in agony as Sirius collapsed to the ground next to her, frantically calling her name. The rest of the café was buzzing around us, as people from the street flooded in. But I didn't hear any of them. I stared at one my best friends, lying on the floor.

"Lily?" James's voice called me back and I looked up at him, tears streaming from my face. "Lily we need to get somewhere safe."

"Is she…" I couldn't finish my sentence, but before James could answer I heard Sirius's anguished screams and I knew she was dead.

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_A/N I feel so down right now! I didn't want to do it! I DIDN'T WANT TO! I got way attached to Marlene even though I knew this was going to have to happen. Poor Sirius, as my beta said, it makes sense now that he never found anyone, the person he loved died. But she did die to save Alice, Lily and their babies so Harry and Neville! She'll forever be in our hearts for that. *sigh* I just realized this is only going to get harder. For those keeping count, that's escape number 2 from Voldie-Moldie. Review me in tears?  
_

_-SarahDawn  
_


	21. Chapter 20

_**Yes, There is a part later on that is JK's. You'll know it if you're reading this. This is my warning. It's not mine. The rest is. That part isn't.**_

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**Chapter 20**

_James POV_

_Two days later_

I was doing this again. I was trying my hardest to comfort Lily and at the same time trying to make sure that Sirius didn't do something extremely stupid in an attempt to avenge the woman he loved. I couldn't imagine what Sirius was going through right now. Lily and I had lost our families, they were taken from us and that was something we'd never get over but we could move on. They would want us to move on with our lives.

But Sirius, his parents just disowned him. They didn't love him, and most of his family tries to kill him if they see him. I can't imagine what kind of pain he feels. And now, the one person in his life that loves him for who he is, beyond his friends, is taken from him. By a family member. After only a few months of them being together.

How does one comfort a friend who has lost literally everything? How do you comfort your wife whose friend just sacrificed her life to save hers? I'm only one man. And I can't comfort them both the way they need it.

The service was small. Only members of the Order knew about it. Dumbledore knew that if Voldemort knew that we were all together in one place, he wouldn't be able to resist trying to eliminate some of us. Even with this risk, we had to go.

I had asked Lily if there was anyway for her to stay home. She hadn't talked to me since. I tried to assure her that I just wanted her safe. I just wanted our baby safe. I realized now as we stood around the grave of her best friend that even if Voldemort was standing in our midst, she would have come to say good-bye.

Our small group stood silent around the grave, Lily and I, Alice and Frank, who had recently eloped quietly suddenly realizing the brevity of life, Sirius, Peter and Remus.

"She died to save me." Lily whispered as the casket was lowered into the ground. I could hear Alice's unrestrained sobs as she wept for the same reason as Lily.

"She died to save you." I agreed. "She died to save our baby. She died to save Alice and to save her baby. Don't let her life's end be in vain."

Lily nodded. As we turned to leave, dark smoke caught my eye on the far side of the cemetery. Death Eaters.

Lily must have heard my sudden intake of breath and she turned to see them as well. Like a well-practiced team, we all drew our wands at the same time.

"LILY, JAMES, ALICE, FRANK GO!" Sirius yelled as he blocked spell after spell the Death Eaters cast towards us. Peter stood still, looking frantically from the Death Eaters to our group, like he couldn't decide what was happening.

Remus leaped in front of us and shot back spells towards the large group of dark cloaks that were getting closer by the second. There had to be close to ten of them, obviously Voldemort was getting more desperate to kill us.

I looked quickly at our friends, protecting us and I wished I could stay and help them. I did not want any more people dying because of us. But I knew that I could not survive if Lily and our baby were killed. So I grabbed Lily's arm and apperated us from danger once again.

"James!" Lily sobbed hard, as we stumbled to stay upright in our tiny living room. I quickly sent a patronus to Frank and Alice's home with a message of our safety.

"I know, I know." I grabbed her up into my arms, crushing her to my chest.

"How do they keep finding us?" She sobbed.

"I don't know, Love. I don't know."

_A Week Later_

"Lily?" I called up the small staircase to our bedroom. I had left the door open in hopes that the fresh air going into our bedroom would rouse my wife and she'd come down from our room. It hadn't worked yet this week but I kept hoping that she'd pull out of this depression. It had only been a week, but she had yet to leave the upstairs of our house.

"Just a minute." Lily's voice called.

Instead of rushing up the stairs to pull her into my arms like I wanted to do, I continued making breakfast in our bright yellow kitchen. It was a little gift to her, breakfast and the freshly painted kitchen. She had complained that it was dreary back a few months ago and I hadn't had any time to fix it up for her with my duties with the Order. But I had cut back some, to make sure that I was here for her when she needed me and to make sure that I kept my self safe. It wasn't a coincidence that Voldemort's followers had tried to kill us three different times. We had uncovered way too much as spies and somehow they found out that it was us. Someone was double-crossing. Sirius had been right, and I just had to find out who it was. After the confrontation at Marlene's grave, there was no way they just guessed where we were going to be.

I could hear Lily's soft footsteps coming down the staircase and I busied myself with filling her plate with scrambled eggs and bacon.

"What is this?" She asked curiously from the doorway to the kitchen. I rushed over to grab her hand and lead her to the table.

"I painted the kitchen. Do you like it?" I asked anxiously. The yellow was bright, and maybe it was a bit much.

"I love it." She smiled up at me and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. "I love you." She mumbled and kissed my lips again, this time a bit more urgent.

I pulled away and she pouted at me. "Eat your breakfast." I said with a teasing scold.

I grabbed my own plate and sat across the table from her. She looked healthier. The glow that had disappeared from her face after Marlene died was back, that beautiful pregnancy glow. I had never thought pregnant women looked any different beyond the belly, but was I wrong. My wife was more beautiful now than she had ever been, swollen slightly with my child and glowing radiantly.

"How's Sirius?" She asked with a full mouth of eggs, a bit dribbled out the side and she brushed it off her chin.

"He's…" I hedged. "He lost the girl that he loved. I'm not sure you ever get over that."

Lily nodded, a tear escaped from her eye and left a trail down the side of her face. I moved forward and wiped it away with my hand.

"It's okay to be sad, love. You lost your best friend. But remember what I said?" I asked gently.

She nodded. "She died to save me and most of all to save our baby." Her hand moved down to pat her belly. "And Alice and her baby."

She sniffed once and continued eating her eggs. "What should we do for Sirius?" She asked.

"I think we let him heal in his own way." I answered. This was something I had given a lot of thought to, and there hadn't been any great answers. "We make sure he doesn't drink himself to death. We know he's apt to do that. But we let him greive."

Lily nodded. "You're right."

I smiled. "You're beautiful."

She blushed slightly, which just made her more beautiful. I moved around the table and knelt next to her chair. "You are the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life."

She shook her head and bobbed my head in and kissed her to still her movements and prevent her from denying it. She pulled back quickly.

"You can't just kiss me to get me to shut…" I cut her off by kissing her again. She pulled back again but I pressed my lips against hers more urgently. I felt her body melt into mine so I picked her up from her chair and took her back to our bedroom.

_4 Months Later_

"Gahhhhhhhhhhhh!" Lily screamed. I fluttered around her head nervously. I didn't know what to do to help her and I hated feeling so completely helpless.

"What can I do, Love? What can I do?" I asked her frantically.

"SHUT UP!" She screamed and then she grabbed my hand, all but crushing the bones. I winced. She noticed. "GROW A PAIR!"

"Just one more push, Lily." The Medwitch said calmly. "I can see his head."

"!" Lily screamed and suddenly another cry joined hers.

"It's a boy." The Medwitch said calmly. She placed the little squirming bundle of baby on Lily's chest and we both just stared at him for a moment. He had jet black hair, it was plastered to his little head but there was a lot of it. He opened his eyes and looked straight up at Lily and I saw his bright green eyes, Lily's bright green eyes.

"Harry." Lily said; her voice completely different than I had ever heard it before. She stroked the side of the baby's face, our baby's face. "Harry James Potter."

I smiled. "Harry James Potter. He's perfect."

"_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal…_

Snape struggled to understand what it meant as he ran from the bar. He couldn't believe this crazy woman actually had the powers of prophecy. But more importantly, who was it about? It didn't mean Lily… did it? He had no choice but to tell the Dark Lord. Perhaps it meant the Longbottom child. He could only hope. He couldn't bear the thought that his Lily, the beautiful girl with those green eyes who had been his only friend, his only love, would die at the hands of the Dark Lord.

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A/N _Ah. One more chapter. :-( I'm sad but happy. Sad because well, I love writing but happy to have it done. It's been in the process of for quite a while now and I got two jobs now so... I don't really have a lot of time to write. Which is sad. *sigh* anyway. Let me know what you think! And for those who were sad about Marlene dying and reviewed me "WHY OH GOD WHY!" well... she was described as dead in the books... so I went with that. Sorry? Have a problem? Take it up with J.K. P.S. Watch Doctor Who. Tis the best. Series 2 there is an episode called Shakespeare's Code that refences Harry Potter like three times. Brilliant! _

_-Sarah_

_Thanks Krista! :-)  
_


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**October 31, 1981**

_James pulled me close to him again. "Remind me why it took so long to realize how perfect you are for me?"_

I just smiled up at him, hugging him closer to me.

"Is Harry asleep?" He asked after a few moments.

"I just put him to bed. But he's probably watching his broomstick mobile." I answered. Our little Harry already showed the beginnings of an amazing Quidditch player. His favorite pastime was riding the miniature broomstick Sirius had gotten for him. A mother was allowed her dreams, over and beyond the normal, for her son. Sometimes I dreamt that Harry would be an amazing professional Quidditch player; sometimes I dreamt he would change the world.

"I'm going to go get him. I'd like to play with him a bit before he goes to sleep." James said a bit sadly. I didn't question his mood. He placed his wand on the table by the door and went upstairs to get Harry. We both knew what our fate would be if Dumbledore couldn't figure out a way to beat Voldemort. I was kind of glad that James was stuck here. We could get in as much bonding time with our son as possible. We could be together now for as long as possible, we didn't know what the future held for us.

"Let's fly around some. Does that sound like fun, Harry?" I could hear James talking to our son as they made their way down the stairs into the front room. I heard Harry's giggle in response.

I sat over by the small fireplace and watched as James set Harry down on the small broomstick. Harry took off like a flash, zooming from room to room. James sat on the floor with such pride in his eyes. It was hard to believe that our son was only a few months past one year old.

"So, Dumbledore and I were discussing the charm he placed over our place last week." James said from his seat on the floor.

"I'm still not sure that Peter was the best person." I said quietly. This was a cause of a heated argument between James and me. James was the type of person who trusted his friends completely. As much as I wanted to trust Peter, there was just something off about him. I had always wondered about him and never understood how he had made it into Gryffindor. If it had been any other of the Marauder's, I wouldn't have made a fuss.

"I trust Dumbledore. If he thinks Peter is trustworthy then I do too. Sirius thinks it's a good idea too." James said confidently. "And Dumbledore's pleased with the charm. It appears that not a single Death Eater has come anywhere near this town, let alone our house in the last week."

I nodded. "That's good." I was still worried but I had gotten used to that feeling. I hadn't left the house in a very long time. My only correspondence was through letters, and I had been writing to Sirius and Alice almost daily now. Alice and Frank were in hiding as well. They wanted to protect little Neville from the prophecy just as much as we wanted to protect Harry.

"I sent Sirius that picture of Harry zooming around on his broom today." I told James, trying to move on to a more positive subject. Something wasn't right and I didn't want to dwell on the bad feelings that coursed through my body.

"I'll bet he loved that. He misses seeing Harry." James responded as he moved from his seat on the floor to lounging on the sofa. Harry zoomed passed on his broom.

"You're doing great Harry!" James praised.

I watched as he disappeared around the corner, then I looked back at James.

"When will this be over?" I whispered. It took all my control to keep the tears back. I just wanted it to be over. I was sick of waiting for the inevitable. I was sick of being inside this house.

"Oh Lily." James whispered back, moving from his spot on the couch to where I sat on the floor. He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned into his warm chest. "I wish I could tell you it would be over soon. I wish I could tell you that we'd be able to live happily ever after and watch as Harry grew up and became a man. I wish I could sit on the porch in a rocking chair with you at the ripe old age of one hundred and watch the fireflies dance in the moonlight. I want that so badly, Lily." He whispered into my ear.

I shivered and he squeezed me tighter to him. "James." I whispered back.

"Lily, beautiful Lily. There isn't a moment of us together that I'd ever change. What happens is what is meant to happen. We can't change it. We've done the very best that we can and look," He pointed to Harry as he zoomed past yet again on his broom. "We have a beautiful son to show for it."

I sighed, as much as James's words warmed me and did chase away the ominous feelings, I still felt uneasy. But, I swallowed those fears and smiled up at James. "I think it is time to put Harry down. If we don't he'll sleep in and as much as we don't really have a schedule to keep, I'd like to keep him on a normal one. It's the least I can do for the moment."

James stood and pulled me up. "Why don't you go put him down and I'll get some wine out of the pantry. We can have a glass and relax a bit tonight."

I went up on my tip toes and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "I love you." I whispered as I turned and plucked Harry off his broom as he zoomed past.

"As I love you." James responded as the broomstick paused in midair for a moment before it crashed to the ground. It sounded like the entire house was caving in and it took a moment for me to realize that someone had broken through the front door at the very same moment. Black fabric poured in the front door and I felt the sticky breeze from the humid night pour in behind it.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -" James yelled. I remembered at that moment that James's wand was resting on the table, far away from his reach. I knew there was no way I'd ever see him alive again. At that same moment, I turned with Harry tucked safely in my arms and fled up the small staircase.

I tried to block out the sounds from downstairs but James's scream would forever be etched in my mind for as long as I lived.

I ran into Harry's small bedroom and placed him in his crib.

"I love you. With everything that I am." I whispered to him. "I'll protect you. Don't be scared."

I could hear Him coming up the stairs and I held my breath as he passed the door. I exhaled a bit as he moved past but then the footsteps paused. The door burst open.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!" I begged, praying that this man, this "Lord" would have mercy on us. It was all I could do. I planted myself directly in front of Harry, my arms spread wide as if to protect him from any harm.

"Stand aside you silly girl … stand aside now." His cold voice demanded harshly.

I couldn't hear James moving below and I could feel the ragged pain as if a knife tore through me. The loss of James was staggering. There wasn't anything like it in the world. It didn't compare to my parents, it didn't compare to losing Marlene. I looked directly into the red eyes of the man who had taken them all from me.

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead - " I begged again. He could take me. I'd be with James and my parents again. Just not Harry, not Harry.

"Not Harry! Please … have mercy … have mercy… "

_FIN_

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A/N That's all people. Not possible to write more. Sorry it took so long. My town kind of flooded yesterday... natural disaster and all. If you see anything on the new about Ames, Iowa and the floods of 2010 think of me. :-p Fun times! Review? Thanks for following my story for so long!

-Sarahdawn


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